Periods are the worst thing ever, there are no redeeming factors about them other than it’s an excuse to eat far too much chocolate cake. There are a whole COUNTRY-worth of things that you absolutely cannot EVER do when you are on your period.
It’s like rules and regulations for bleeding, there are things that are almost like tradition and you HAVE to do and there are things to simply CANNOT do. It’s very stressful. Cry along with me ladies…
1.) It’s IMPOSSIBLE to smuggle a pad to the toilets
We’ve tried putting it up our sleeve, in pockets, in our shoes, it’s impossible to hide. Someone will always look around as you walk past, wondering what on Earth that rustling sound is. We just want to bleed quietly, the pads ALWAYS break our cover.
2.) Or you take your bag to the toilets and look suspicious
If you’re feeling confident, which, let’s face it, you aren’t, you’re on your period. Then you can attempt to take your bag to the toilets instead of the sneaky hidden pad approach. However, this just reveals to the world that you’re either making a runner or are on your period.
3.) You can’t get away with not using SO MUCH toilet paper
When you’re on your period you use about one year’s worth on toilet paper in one week. It’s impossible not to, I mean, we are bleeding and it JUST DOESN’T STOP.
4.) You just can’t sneeze
You can’t risk sneezing if you do, you let go of control and your fate is out of your hands. When you sneeze, you release your entire womb into your underwear, it’s a fact you cannot dispute.
5.) You’ll get confused as to what you are feeling down there
A lot of the time it really is hard to tell what’s happening. Our greatest fear is bleeding all over ourselves and sometimes it makes us believe we are feeling things. We can’t even trust our own feelings at this point.
6.) You can’t shower without bleeding everywhere
When showering on your period you become mesmerized by the trails of blood that slowly make their way down the drain. The worst is drying yourself, blood all over my towel. Every. Single. Time.
7.) Toilets don’t escape the crimson waterfall either
Periods are just very messy. Don’t get me started on flushing away the evidence, it always takes a double flush.
8.) You can’t get away with your period NOT clashing with an important event
Wedding? Probably. School dance? Yep. First time seeing your boyfriend in 10 years? Definitely will clash. Periods hate us.
9.) You can’t sit down without checking if you’ve left a mark when you stand up
Oh yes, even if you only sit down for 5 minutes, you are DEFINITELY checking if you’ve somehow managed to bleed all over the seat. White sofas provide anxiety-inducing fear and paranoia, just avoid them entirely.
10.) You can’t get away with not staining your clothes
Your pants will 100% have at LEAST one war mark after enduring your monthly bleed. It’s always your favourite underwear too. Life is cruel.
11.) Standing up is a task in itself
You may have forgotten that you’re on your period for one glorious split second until you stand up and BOOM. It feels like the Niagara Falls has opened up between your legs.
12.) You can’t have a period without mood swings
One second you’re feeling like the hottest girl on the planet and the next you start to wonder why you were even born at all. It’s great and not annoying for EVERY SINGLE PERSON at all.
13.) You can’t escape the period look
If you are planning on returning home without your girl’s favourite food when she’s on her period, seriously don’t even bother. It’s not worth it. It’ll only end in tears.
14.) You can’t wear nice clothes
When you’re on your period there are lots of things to take into account when picking clothes. Firstly, it has to be black. Anything lighter coloured is just ASKING to be bled on and reveal to the world you are on your period. Secondly, it better be loose. Periods mean serious bloating and cramps which makes every piece of clothing feel ten times tighter.
15.) You can’t escape period cramps
And you DEFINITELY cannot play it cool when a cramp happens to pop up to say hello. You could be sat in class and you’ll still be rolling over the floor. I once cried in class because of them. Yeah, there’s no escape.
16.) Everyone is annoying
It’s important not to test a girl’s patience when she’s on her period. Everyone is annoying and she can’t help biting your head off. Just give her space, for your own safety.
17.) You cannot maintain a normal sitting position
You will definitely curl up into the fetal position at least once. It’s the only proven way to deal with the pain. Fact.
When you’re on your period life definitely gets worse but at least it’s only for a few days! If you aren’t on your period, feel lucky that you can do all of the above with no fear or paranoia. If you are on your period, our thoughts and prayers are with you. YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS.