Honest truth time? (Time to get personal with you here, b*tches!)
Nothing scared me more than turning 30! Seriously, I’ve had all kinds of mad sh*t happen in my life and huge, crushing bereavements, but yet, something as ‘small’ as turning 30, still scared the living cr*p out of me!
In fact, the fear started when I turned 25 and then it just kind of intensified and then calmed down once I hit 29, I thought well, maybe this is the traumatized acceptance phase? (It was.)
Then, my 30th birthday finally came and you know what? It was awesome! I felt more content and happy than I had for a long time and I realised I wasn’t doing too badly…and I wasn’t THAT old, not really… certainly not in the grand scheme of things.
Which is proof that the thought of something is usually worse than it actually is.
I’m now 31 (32 in a few months time) and you know what? It still ain’t that bad…and edging slowly up to 40 isn’t scaring me one bit, because I’ve realised that Holy Grail of, the older you get, the less you give a f**k!
& That, my friends, is where this list comes in…, if you’re in your 30’s and aren’t taking life seriously, then this is for you, believe me, keep reading, you’re in for a treat! #whereareallmy30sbi*chesat
1. “Stop buying cheap makeup. Instead, spend half your paycheck on expensive beauty products made from the blood of twentysomethings…”
To be honest, I’ve never really bought cheap makeup. I don’t wear a lot of the stuff anyway, but I find buying and trying new products addictive (so this idea definitely intrigues me….what!?) and applying makeup is very meditative! So, if you’re the same, then why not treat yourself now that you’re in your 30’s!? Show those 20-somethings who the main b*tch is by applying their blood to your face… #seemslegit
2. …and then invest the other half of your paycheck in a pair of fashionable yet uncomfortable shoes that will cause irreparable damage to your spine. Gotta hit that insurance deductible by the end of the year!
Ooooh, high heels! My mortal enemy!
It’s a great idea, but spinal damage isn’t really my thing, so I’ll pass. Plus, I’ve kind of given up on heels, since I hit my 30’s, I love my flats and trainers more than life itself! #boringmuch
3. Stop working. Obviously, you should be printing your own counterfeit money at home by now because it’s the fastest way to close the wage gap.
Well, this is a brilliant idea! However, I lack the knowledge of money fraud (damn it!) BUT, I did quit my terrible job, went freelance and started my own business when I turned 30! I realised that I didn’t to work ‘for’ someone ever again! & I’ve not…and now the place where I used to work is closing down. #gome #nothingtodowithme
4. If you’re single, don’t stop dating. In fact, you should quit your job and open your own bar called “Literally Just Me, A Single Woman Over 30.”
A brilliant idea for a new business, ladies! & you heard it here, first!
Honestly, though, relationships and especially being single gets easier after you turn 30 because you realise that you hate men, love your own company and #foreveralone is now the dream instead of the problem. Being single is absolute bliss, believe me!
5. If you’re in a relationship, don’t scare your significant other off by being ~too real~ about what you want. Instead, get a very fake wax mannequin of yourself made, and swap it out when your partner isn’t looking.
I haven’t attempted this, but my guessing is that they really won’t notice and it’ll give you the chance to go off and live your best life. They’ll be happy that you’re being weirdly quiet and not giving them sh*t, so you’ll be both be happy!
6. And if you’re married, don’t let things get BORING in the bedroom. Spice it up! Give your spouse a sensual massage using Tabasco sauce. They’ll love it.
I’m not sure they’ll ‘love it’, but it’ll certainly ‘spice’ things up, don’t you agree!? The perfect remedy for a long, drawn-out, boring marriage!
7. If you’re a mother, don’t forget to make an Etsy-inspired suggestion box for other parents to place their “you’re parenting wrong” comments in — later, you can set it on fire and roast marshmallows over it with your kids.
Perfect idea! Let everyone get their judgements out of the way in their usual ‘twee’, passive-aggressive manner that people seem to live so much, and then BURN them. I can imagine that would be quite healing.
8. ENOUGH with the ~fun~ blue eyeshadow! At your age, you should stick to more neutral colours, like “Focused on My Retirement” and “Why Do I Have Heartburn?”
This is true, ‘Why Do I Have Heartburn?’ is my particular (and daily) favourite. #killmenow
9. Don’t experiment with hair colour either. Instead, try shaving a message into your head that tells people to mind their own business.
In all seriousness, I always had mad coloured hair when I was in my 20’s, it was every colour you could think of…and ‘a friend’ actually told me that when I turned 30, that I shouldn’t have crazy coloured hair anymore! So I dyed it purple…AND pink at the same time. #becausef*ckyouandyouropinions
10. Never let anyone see your wrinkles. Wear a creepy clown mask instead and chase after anyone who asks to see your ~real~ face.
Oh my! Why didn’t I think of that when I was concerned about my eye bags and wrinkles!? Brilliant idea! It’s also the perfect way to stop people from approaching me and trying to talking to me… #winwin
11. The same goes for grey hairs… Just add a hat.
Oh yes, a hat for the sh*te hair days and sunglasses for the ‘not slept in 6 weeks’ eye bags. It’s the essential over 30 tips.
12. Stop buying “fast fashion.” Your taste in fashion shouldn’t change after 30. Literally only wear the exact outfit you’re wearing right now for the rest of your life.
Hey! I agree totally if an outfit works for you, then stick with it, don’t let your 30’s stop you! All I do is rotate 2 outfits and talk sh*t now, and it is THE LIFE.
13. Ditch those fun printed tees that show off your personality. Instead, toss on a giant cardboard sign that says “Inoffensive, just for you!” for an easy, everyday look.
Or anything, really! A sandwich board is the perfect, easy way to get your opinions and demands across with minimal effort. It’s the perfect life tip!
14. Give up wearing shorts. Women’s legs shouldn’t see the light of day after 30. Solution: Wrap them up in lightproof plastic sheeting every time before going out.
Hey! I gave up wearing shorts when I was about 19, this is not a problem for me. #leggingsarelife
15. Miniskirts: Please see above.
Well, I guess it would save time on the leg shaving, which is always a good thing because really, nobody ain’t got time for that sh*t in their 30s!
16. Thinking about buying a crop top? Nope. Women over 30 should look like Norman Bates’ mother at all times — so put down the chopped-off shirt and pick up a chopped-up wig instead.
Ah, okay…totally noted, but my stomach and abs are my best feature. I’m lucky enough to not have had kids yet, so my abdomen is currently flaunting itself undamaged, so I’ll pass on this one!
17. Fishnets are completely off limits once you hit the big 3-0, too. It’s time to up your game to something a little more grown up, like lobster traps.
I personally think fishnets are for life! #sodthoselobstertraps
18. Get rid of last season’s oversize sunglasses. If you want to protect your eyes from harmful rays, just cover them with your hands — those NEVER go out of style.
What!? Over-sized glasses are the BOMB when you’re over 30, erm, 3-day hangover and eye bags anyone!?
19. Mary Janes and other ~cutesy~ heels just aren’t okay after a certain age. Try something more mature, like flats. Actually, literally just cut the soles of your feet off so they are as flat as a board.
I didn’t need to turn 30 to realise that flats are the best thing to ever put on your feet! (Apart from fluffy socks, of course!)
20. Stop drinking so much! It’s not attractive to be drunk. Try politely sipping wine then spitting it out into pretty little flower shapes all over the walls instead. Way cuter.
This is such a cute idea, but I have a better one, just down the bottle of vodka and live your best life! It’s what I do and I’m okay…. (honest!)