27. This Manicure Set
We’re not quite sure if the person who put together this manicure set actually knows what a manicure is! What on earth are you supposed to use the screwdriver for? And pliers? I guess they’re for gripping onto your nail and ripping it clean off.
26. This Public Phone You Probably Don’t Want To Use
Sometimes one letter can make all the difference between a public phone and a pubic phone. We’re dubious about the cleanliness of public phones at the best of times, but now we’re certain that this call can wait.
25. This Face Bashing Product
Who doesn’t like a good face bashing? If you just cant resist a face bash, this product is for you! Just stick it on and start bashing that face. It’ll be black and blue in no time.
24. Take A Visit To This Park, You’ll Love It
Bored of going to a park with swings and slides and all that jazz? Fancy a change? Why don’t you try the racist park? You can stand there and be racially abused all day. Such fun.
23. We All Know Someone Who Needs This Soup
There’s no better way to subtly tell someone that they get around a bit too much than on a packet of soup. Tag a mate who you think needs some soup in their lives.
Babies care, and so do we. Not sure what this is supposed to be advertising or which company it is. but it’s nice to know that babies care, we.
21. Touching Yourself Is Dangerous
Don’t touch yourself! Let someone else do it for you. It’s much more polite and in general much more enjoyable. Thanks!
20. It’s The Brand Everyone Wants To Be Wearing
When did slavery go out of fashion? Never in this country apparently. It’s still cool, so whatever this shop is…great…go for it!
19. What’s Better Than Two Human Lives?
That’s right, three! Three human lives! But why stop at three? Why not have four human lives or just many human lives. I have always been impressed with just how many human lives you can fit into a hostel.
18. These Guest Room Commodities That You Can Buy
Instant noodles? Fine. Old people Wang is auspicious? Yep I’ll have one of those. Ooo they do Liquid the lady is nursed! I forgot to pack that, I should probably buy some.
17. Mmm The Smell Of Urine, Lovely!
I must say I do like my soup to smell of urine! I find it gives it that extra tang of saltiness which is also a bit bitter. I hope it tastes like urine too.
16. Go Ahead…
Finally! Somewhere that I can have a couple of pints and then drive my vehicle into a tree without being penalised for it. I’m so happy.
15. Why Get A Half New Chicken…
…when you can get the half old chicken? Now we’re not sure if this is half an old chicken or a chicken that is half-old. Either way, for $5.99 we’re taking it!
14. Don’t Enter the Engine Room
The engine room is a serious place! You shouldn’t go in there if you’d like to remain light-hearted. Avoid at all costs.
13. These Interesting Eating Instructions
We’re not quite sure that this restaurant has got the idea of how to best enjoy the duck.
12. What is Warmth?
Warmth is love. Warmth is a concern. Warmth is love. Warmth is a warm and thoughtful. Get in close proximity to me. No, we’re not quite sure what this is supposed to be either.
11. Why Do They Like To Urinate So Much?
First we had soup that smelled of urine and now we have urinate beef boll rice noodles and urinate fish boll rice noodles! Stop pissing in things already, please!
10. Excuse Me Sir, I’m Lost. I’m Looking For The…
Have you seen it? I need to make some business enquiries there.
9. Some Inspirational Words Here
“All is not what a real value, you cannot through hard work and hard to get.” Beautiful words from Thomas Edison. A real champion of the English language.
8. I’m Looking For The Source Of The Sweet and Sour River
Oh wait, I’ve found it! This little bowl of sauce flows into a beautiful sweet and sour river. You can dip your pork and chicken in there all day, every day.
7. Quick, Help, There’s a Fire!
Fetch the hand grenade! That will help to put it out. Pull the pin out and throw it at the source of the flame. Or the source of the sweet and sour! Arghh, I dunno what to do with it!
6. This Is What I’ve Wanted To Talk To You…
I wanted to tell you that urinating into the pool…yeh! You are the best. You keep making that pool full of wee little guy!
5. Rice-Flour Noodles Can’t Come In!
I’m sorry, but if you’re a rice-flour noodle you’re going to have to wait outside. They’re the rules I’m afraid…you’re just not allowed in. Not my rules, don’t shoot the messenger.
4. Caution: Slippery Floor
Execution in progress. It’s by firing squad, so things could get messy. Floor could get very slippy. Be extra careful when walking across the lobby.
3. If You’re Not Sure Whether Your Friend Is One Or Not…
You can get them examined for it. Whilst you’re there, you can also check how your friend is doing in fetal heart custody.
2. What’s The Best Type Of Sexual Harassment?
German type sexual harassment of course.
1. Could You Name Something Any More Simpler Than This?
It’s a hole that you plug something in to get the internet. It’s an internet hole. Simple, efficient, pure perfection.