Using lemon juice as a disguise
On January 6th, 1995, McArthur Wheeler and Clifton Earl Johnson robbed two branches of Greater Pittsburgh Bank without bothering to wear disguises. Instead, they rubbed lemon juice on their faces, under the genuine belief that it would make them invisible to security cameras. Research inspired by the crime led to the discovery of the Dunning-Kruger effect, a psychological finding that people are more confident the less knowledge they possess.
Trying to use a one million dollar bill in Walmart
In 2011, Michael Anthony Fuller thought he’d come up with the perfect crime. He’d walk into Walmart, purchase a few hundred dollars worth of goods with a counterfeit $1 million bill, and then walk away with almost a million dollars in change. The only problem was there was no such thing as a $1 million bill, and after the cashier called the police Fuller was arrested and charged with fraud.
Hiring a hitman on Craigslist
In 2013, Megan Schmidt posted an advertisement on Craigslist’s ‘Help Wanted’ section, offering $10,000 to anyone willing to end her father’s life. Schmidt used slightly more cryptic language, but only barely, and she revealed her intentions to anyone who rang the number on the ad. Inevitably, this quickly made its way to the authorities, and Schmidt was busted for trying to hire an undercover police officer as a hitman.
Using a donkey as a getaway vehicle
In January 2013, three criminals attempted to rob a grocery store in the Colombian town of Juan de Acosta. The robbery itself went smoothly, but when the trio’s getaway vehicle – a ten-year-old donkey named Xavi – started loudly braying, the police quickly turned up on the scene. The criminals fled, leaving Xavi and their stolen wares behind.
Attempting to steal a shark from the aquarium
In 2018, two men and a woman were caught on CCTV stealing a shark from an aquarium. The thieves scoped out the tank for hours, waiting for an opportune moment to scoop out the 16-inch horn shark with a net, before wrapping it in a wet towel and smuggling it out in a baby buggy. Police tracked the culprits down a few days later, recovering the shark, which was alive and well.
Staging a fake Moscow Philharmonic Orchestra concert
The Moscow Philharmonic is one of the most famous orchestras in the world, so tickets immediately sold out when it was announced they were holding a concert in Hong Kong. While attendees of the concert gave it top marks, it soon transpired that the real Moscow Philharmonic Orchestra was actually touring in Europe. The incident became a major scandal and led to multiple accusations of fraud.
Staging a fire to kidnap a baby
In December 1997, Luz Cueva’s house went up in flames. Although two of her daughters were rescued, firefighters weren’t able to locate her infant daughter, and she was presumed dead. Six years later, Cueva spotted a girl who looked strikingly like her supposedly dead daughter, and managed to obtain a DNA sample. Astonishingly, it proved that the child was hers, and that the fire had been started by criminals to cover up the kidnapping.
Robbing a store with a banana
At some point or another, almost everyone has pointed a banana at someone and pretended it was a gun. In 2009, North Carolina resident John Szwalla took this joke to its absurd conclusion, by trying to rob a store with a banana held under his shirt and claiming it was a firearm. It didn’t take long for customers to realize Szwalla’s deception, and he was promptly restrained until the police arrived.
Committing burglary while wearing a tracking tag
While on parole shortly after his release from prison, 37-year-old Ohio native James Wombles decided to commit a light spot of burglary. While Wombles successfully pulled off the crime, it didn’t take police long to figure out it was him, thanks to the GPS ankle bracelet he was wearing as part of his parole agreement placing him at the scene.
Trying to claim your own bounty
In 2012, Afghan terrorist Mohammad Ashan walked up to a police checkpoint, brandishing his own wanted poster. Ashan had seemingly misunderstood the nature of the poster, which offered a $100 reward for information on his whereabouts. After trying to claim the money, Ashan was apparently genuinely surprised when he found himself arrested instead.
Hiring a hitman who outsources his job
In 2013, Chinese real estate investor Tan Youhui paid a hitman $280,000 to kill a plaintiff in a lawsuit that had been launched against him. Rather than carrying out the hit himself, the hitman outsourced the job to another assassin, who outsourced it yet again, to a man named Ling Xiansi. However, Ling decided to reveal the plot to the would-be victim instead, who reported everything to the police.
Stealing royal jewels and impersonating a princess
In 1771, royal maid Sarah Wilson was caught red-handed stealing jewels from her boss, Queen Charlotte. Narrowly avoiding execution, Wilson was instead sent to the United States and sold into slavery. Somehow, the maid-turned-convict had managed to smuggle the jewels with her and, after escaping from slavery, she used them to impersonate Princess Matilda, Queen Charlotte’s sister. Wilson managed to keep up the ruse for almost two years.
Using a blowtorch to break into an ATM
ATMs are famously tough to break into, but Jason Kovar thought he had the solution. In 2016, the Seattle native tried to gain access to an ATM using a blowtorch, but only succeeded in setting both it and the cash it was holding on fire. Kovar was arrested while trying to put out the blaze, and he faced charges of attempted theft and arson.
Using permanent marker as a disguise
The award for laziest disguise in the history of crime surely has to go to Joey Miller and Matthew McNelly, two Iowa residents who covered their faces in permanent marker before committing a burglary. A witness spotted them attempting to break into a flat and phoned the police, and the hapless duo was arrested shortly afterward by an officer who caught them trying to escape in a car.
Robbing a bank unarmed
In 1975, three unarmed men attempting to rob a branch of Rothesay Bank got stuck in the revolving door on the way in. After the staff helped them out, the men attempted to press ahead with their crime, but the employees thought they were joking. With no weapons to prove how serious they were, the men – who clearly weren’t prepared to resort to violence – gave up and tried to flee, only to get caught in the same revolving door on the way out.
Robbing a local bank
In 2014, Welshman Dean Smith decided to rob a bank, eventually settling on the local bank which he himself used. Smith’s efforts to disguise himself were minimal, to say the least, consisting of a pair of sunglasses and socks over his shoes. Since he regularly used the bank he was robbing, the teller immediately recognized him, and the police soon picked him up.
The Jennifer Pan murder plot
On November 8th, 2010, Vietnamese couple Bich and Huei Hann Pan were shot during a home invasion. Their daughter Jennifer was also home at the time of the robbery, and she later told detectives how she’d been helpless to prevent her parents’ deaths. There was one slight problem for Jennifer, however; her father, Huei, hadn’t in fact died. After he woke from his coma he revealed that Jennifer had been working with the robbers.
Selling historical Presidential documents on eBay
In 2008, Daniel D. Lorello – an employee of the New York State Department of Education – stole a bunch of historical documents from the New York State Library and Archives. Knowing they were valuable, but lacking the contacts to sell them, Lorello decided to upload them to eBay. Inevitably, someone reported the listings to the police, and Lorello was arrested.
Robbing a gun store with a baseball bat
Baseball bats are pretty intimidating weapons, and it’s not hard to see how one could be used for armed robbery. It’s harder, however, to understand how 22-year-old Derrick Moseley thought it was a good idea to use a baseball bat to rob a gun store. As soon as Moseley shattered one of the glass display cabinets in the shop, he quickly found himself staring down the barrel of the owner’s pistol, a view he got to enjoy until the police turned up.
Using a silicone mask to look older
In 2010, an unidentified Chinese citizen managed to slip onto a flight from Hong Kong to Vancouver by donning a realistic mask that made him look like an old white male. The plan worked initially, but staff grew suspicious when they spotted the man’s hands, which he’d made no efforts to disguise. He was arrested shortly after landing in Vancouver, where he claimed refugee status.
Hiding inside a giant stuffed bear
In 2022, 18-year-old Joshua Dobson concocted an elaborate plan to get away with stealing a car. Knowing that police would be searching for him after the theft, he tried to evade capture by hiding inside a giant stuffed teddy bear. Unfortunately for Dobson, when officers searched his house they noticed that the bear was breathing, leading to his arrest.
Robbing a bank dressed as a clown
Criminal disguises are supposed to fulfill two functions: hiding the perpetrator’s face, and helping them to blend in. In 2010, 48-year-old Dennis Hawkins took a slightly different approach when he decided to rob a bank not only maskless but also dressed as a clown. Needless to say, police had little trouble tracking him down, and Hawkins was slapped with a lengthy sentence.
Calling a store to ask how much cash they’ve got before a robbery
Choosing which store to rob can be a tricky task, as you want to make sure there’s enough cash on hand for the crime to be worth the risk. Daniel Glen solved this conundrum by simply phoning up a store he was planning to rob and enquiring how much cash they had, a masterstroke that ensured police were waiting for him when he arrived.
Trying to get away with car theft by stealing a different car
Facing charges for stealing a Porsche Carrera, 37-year-old hair stylist Tony Van apparently thought he could convince the prosecution that they’d made by a mistake by turning up to court in a luxury Lexus, instead. Van apparently thought that jurors wouldn’t believe someone who already owned an expensive car would steal another one. The problem was that the Lexus was stolen too, and Van was prosecuted for both crimes.
Answering the phone during a burglary
On his 47th birthday, Christopher Kron decided to celebrate by burgling a bar that had closed for the night. Shortly after he broke in, the security alarm company rang, and – to avoid the authorities being alerted – Kron answered the phone to assure the operator that everything was fine. During the phone call, Kron gave his real name, which was later used to track him down.
Committing murder to prove psychic predictions
During the early 20s, Polish-American Tillie Kilmek claimed she had psychic dreams that revealed the future to her. Kilmek proved these claims by predicting the deaths of people close to her with an unerring degree of precision. Suspicion was aroused after the death of Kilmek’s fourth husband, and it soon turned out she was making her predictions come true with a little help from some arsenic.
Volunteering to take a lie-detector test
In 2007, Adrian Prout murdered his soon-to-be ex-wife during a heated argument over the terms of their divorce. While he wasn’t convicted, a cloud of suspicion hung over Prout for the next four years, and he finally volunteered to take a lie detector test to settle the matter once and for all. Unfortunately for Prout, he failed the test, and confessed to the crime shortly after.
The Kentucky book heist
In 2004, four friends decided to rob the library of their own college, which contained some valuable books. After finding a buyer for the volumes and preparing disguises, the friends then launched their caper, tying up the librarian and making off with the books. During the heist, the friends addressed the librarian using a private nickname, and they were quickly identified and arrested as a result.
Trying to avoid eviction by unleashing a swarm of bees
On October 12th, 2022, a woman in Massachusetts employed an unusual tactic to avoid getting thrown out of her home. Knowing the deputies were on their way to evict her, 55-year-old Rorie S. Woods donned a beekeeper suit and broke open several hives, unleashing a swarm of stinging insects. One of the deputies was allergic and required hospitalization, and Woods was criminally charged.
Stealing religious idols
In May 2022, a group of thieves broke into the Lord Balaji temple in Uttar Pradesh, India, and stole a number of valuable idols. It didn’t take long before the criminals – clearly a rather superstitious bunch – got paranoid that they would be cursed for stealing religious items and returned the loot. They also begged the police for mercy, but the authorities weren’t in a forgiving mood.
The Loomis heist
In 1997, Loomis employee David Ghant decided to steal $17 million worth of cash which the company was handling, along with the security tapes that would incriminate him. Unfortunately, Ghant missed one of the tapes, and it happened to be the one that documented his crime. After lying low in Mexico for a few months, Ghant was finally caught and brought to justice.
Pre-warning a bank of a robbery
On March 24th, 2007, 27-year-old Albert Bailey phoned a branch of People’s Bank in Fairfield, Connecticut, to let them know he was on his way to rob them. Bailey figured that this would give staff time to get the cash counted and ready, minimizing the time he’d have to spend in the bank. Instead, the police were ready and waiting, and Bailey was swiftly arrested.
The Stockholm art heist
In 2012, a pair of wannabe art thieves decided to break into a Stockholm home to steal three valuable paintings. While the burglary went to plan, the thieves hadn’t bothered to check whether the pieces would fit into their getaway vehicle. As it turned out, they wouldn’t, and the crooks were forced to abandon their loot.
Robbing a house while drunk
Breaking into a house is a pretty daunting endeavor, so to bolster his courage, Mark Smith popped some sedatives and downed a bottle of alcohol before committing a burglary in 2007. Unfortunately, this resulted in him falling fast asleep during the crime. When the homeowner returned later that day, he found Smith snoring under his bed, leading to perhaps the easiest arrest in history.
The barefoot bandit
Dubbed “the barefoot bandit” by the press, Colton Harris Moore taught himself how to pilot planes using a simulation program, before proceeding to steal hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of aircraft. Moore knew that criminals often got busted via the imprints their shoes left at crime scenes, so he committed all his thefts barefoot. The scheme worked for a while, but Moore was eventually caught.
Committing murder to avoid being fed to Bigfoot
In 2022, 53-year-old Larry Doil Sanders lured his pal Jimmy Knighten into the Oklahoma wilderness under the pretense of a fishing trip, before bludgeoning and killing him. Sanders was quickly arrested and confessed to his crime, admitting that he had murdered Knighten because he was convinced his friend was trying to feed him to Bigfoot.
Trying to rob a bank with a note
On March 18th, 2021, 67-year-old British pensioner Alan Slattery tried to rob a bank. After entering the bank, Slattery handed the teller a piece of paper that claimed he was armed and demanded cash be placed in a bag. However, Slattery’s handwriting was so terrible that the cashier couldn’t make out what the note said, forcing the robber to abort his efforts.
Faking a kidnapping to get laid
In 2008, young couple Carolynne Watson and Julias Buchwald were kidnapped and then dumped in a remote field with nothing but some food and a sleeping bag. After a week, Buchwald suggested that, since they were likely to die, they should take each other’s virginities. Watson refused, and it later transpired that Buchwald had staged the entire ordeal in an attempt to get her to sleep with him. Gross.
