20 Hilariously Accurate Tweets That Perfectly Capture Married Life

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The internet has had a lot of mileage out of relationships, from the relatable asinine tiny problems of married life, to the just downright bizarre quarrels that make you question your life choices, you can guarantee someone has already started a discussion about it on the internet.

So from the far-too relatable to the just head-scratchingly insane, here are 20 tweets from the internet’s very own home-made birdhouse that will make you laugh, cry, or just generally re-evaluate your marriage.

1.) You Can’t Go Out Looking Like That…

(Source: Twitter)

This is an age old argument, although it’s not even really an argument. There’s nothing that quite takes the wind out of your sails when you’ve spent ages picking an outfit and think you look great and then your partner hits you with the ‘is that what you’re wearing?’ Savage.

2.) Marriagepedia

(Source: Twitter)

This is a constant question in our house. Although, you know when you’ve been in a relationship too long when they say, ‘What’s that fella from the thing?’ And you say, ‘Oh, he’s the one from what-cha-call-it!’ and you both know who you mean without knowing the person’s name.

3.) Don’t Scratch The Wood!

(Source: Twitter)

Yeah, but scratches heal on people, you’re gonna have to get the sander out if you put a scratch in that wood, and it’s ruined if its a deep one…

4.) Give Quiche A Chance


(Source: Twitter)

See what I did there with the quiche joke? I’d be amazed if my husband knew what quiche even was, let alone preferred it to casual afternoon sex… what a life!

5.) Has Everyone Been To The Bathroom Before The Show Begins?

(Source: Twitter)

Seriously though, peeing is just a constant necessity once you hit a certain age, and when you’re going to be having sex, that necessity is particularly prominent!

6.) Fail To Prepare, Prepare To Fail

(Source: Twitter)

Another staple of married life, couples measuring furniture in the middle of a store. Oh what, you wanna go without your own tape measure and live life like a madman? Go right ahead Brenda, but I won’t be the one with a cabinet that doesn’t fit in my lounge!

7.) Where D’you Fancy Going To Eat?

(Source: Twitter)

Look, there’s a lot of places to eat okay, just be grateful we live in such a consumerist food orientated society where we have such choices! Also, I can never decide between Italian and Chinese, they’re just both so good and as soon as I get somewhere I wish I think I’ve made the wrong decision cause I’m thinking about all the things I’m missing out on!

8.) Counter Space, The Final Frontier…

(Source: Twitter)

Any appliance purchase should be agonised over until you’re fingernails are bitten completely off, I don’t know why really, you can always move them at a later date. Also, Simon Holland has tweeted a lot of these… You okay hun?

9.) In Other News

(Source: Twitter)

Look Chad, going on a diet is an immensely irritating thing as you’re depriving yourself of all the things that are great! I mean, he may be being facetious but I don’t care, if I’m not allowed to eat what I want I’m gonna get agitated!

10.) Just… Eww!

(Source: Twitter)

Yeah, I’m sure it was good while it lasted but you gotta get out of that as quickly as possible. Who ruins perfectly good ice-cream with little hard wrinkly fruit!?

11.) When He Doesn’t Notice Your Haircut

(Source: Twitter)

Quite frankly, if he doesn’t notice your new haircut then he deserved the doodle penis! If you draw it on the back of his neck though he won’t notice and he’ll leave the house with it… not that I’ve done that before…

12.) Couch Commentators

(Source: Twitter)

Tell me about it, it’s almost as though they’re ignoring my husbands 100% qualified opinion from the couch he’s watching it from. Still though, if he does shout something at the screen and they happen to do it he will still absolutely take credit with a loud, ‘I told you!’ so at least he’s getting some credit, even if it is from himself.

13.) Hiding The Snacks

(Source: Twitter)

The snacks are the only reason I go to most social functions anyway so I think we’re on the same page Slade!

14.) Clean Freak

(Source: Twitter)

It could be worse, I told my husband once to clean up some mess on the counter as we had guests coming; when they arrived and I showed them into the kitchen he’d literally just thrown a small towel over this mountain of mess… it was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, it was my fault for not checking on him though I guess!

15.) ‘Where Are My Keys?’

(Source: Twitter)

If I have to tell my husband once to check all of his pockets, I have to tell him a hundred times. I had to put a ban on cargo pants… that was a real low point, having to actually have that conversation… where’s the wine.

16.) Pranks Getting Out Of Hand

(Source: Twitter)


I can’t say I’ve ever experienced Cheetos in the First Aid Kit, why would someone do that? It’s not like just filling a random draw with them that isn’t used very often, you’ve filled something which is 90% of the time sued in serious situations… fill the kettle with Cheetos next time like a normal human being jeez.

17.) The Snacksccident

(Source: Twitter)

Aside from the fact that the way she’s spelt snacksccident really weirdly (surely it should be snackcident if anything?) I’ve found in my experience there’s no such thing as a snacksccident, only premeditated snacking!

18.) *Illegible Text

(Source: Twitter)

I found that once I’d reached maximum distance that I could move a restaurant menu away with my arms, that it was time to look into some glasses… if you’re old you’ll know that getting old sucks, you don't get the respect you deserve and things are all blurry.

19.) Netflix: ‘Are You Still Watching?’

(Source: Twitter)

Me: *Snoring…

20.) Leaf Me Alone (*Giggles Uncontrollably)

(Source: Twitter)

The amount of time I tell my husband to do something only for me to find him in the exact position (sitting down) an hour later. Sometimes, he’ll just move rooms and sit in a different one to try and fool me, I don’t know what he takes me for!


So there were 20 tweets about marriage that you’ll probably only get if you’re married, and if you are, well some of them probably hit far too close to home! Let me know in the comments which one’s you related to most! AAx

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