16 Slightly Annoying Things You'll Relate To If You Have A Va-jay-jay

ADVERTISEMENT

A Vajayjay, a noonie, a conch shell, a twinkle, a downstairs... whatever the heck you call it, having one can be a huge pain in the a*s.

But when you think about how pretty much the only alternative to having one is, well, being born a male, things don't seem quite as bad. ANYWAY, it's no secret that they can pretty much ruin our lives whenever the heck they want to (an often choose to during the MOST inconvenient moments possible), and I figured - hey, why not write up a list about ALL the ways that makes being a woman the absolute WORST? So I did.
Enjoy!

1. Two, dreaded, words: gynecologist appointments.

Let me just say this now - I would rather book in a dental appointment and have every single one of my teeth removed without using anesthesia than attend my gynecologist appointments. They are the WORST. 

2. Like, sitting through an appointment in a thin gown, with your legs spread in metal stirrups, while someone you’ve known for 5 minutes prods around inside the single most intimate part of you.

Not only are they uncomfortable as heck, but they're also one of the most embarrassing situations you can ever find yourself in.


"Oh no, by all means, PLEASE roll up those sleeves and get involved in my intimate space, I don't mind, why would I mind?"

3. FREEZING COLD SPECULUMS TOUCHING YOUR LADY BUSINESS.

And as if they aren't embarrassing enough, it doesn't matter how many times you visit your gynecologist, the second they whip out that incredibly intimidating piece of equipment you cannot stop every inch of your insides recoiling in horror. Not to mention, they 100% keep these things in some sort of medical freezer because they are always cold as HECK.

4. Pap smear swabs. That is all.

And of course, what would a trip to the gyno be without the ever-so-dreaded pap smear? Sure, it's only uncomfortable for like, a second... but it's the single LONGEST second of your whole entire life. FACT. 

5. ITCHING. SO. MUCH. ITCHING.

Itching. Itching ALL the time. And the best part? Half the time you have no idea why there is itching. New underwear? Changed your moisturizer? Due a wax? Nobody knows.

6. When the sticky part of pads gets stuck to our... lady garden.

And if ain't stickin' to our downstairs hair, it's stickin' to the wrong side of our underwear. Or even better, not stickin' at all, so it's just rolling around down there while you're trying to go about yo' business. 

7. Thinking your period is over but then accidentally bleeding on a cute pair of underwear... because let's be honest, are periods are NEVER really over. 

Listen, I ALWAYS wait at least a week to make sure that Aunty Rose has well and truly left the building. We ALL know how devious mother nature can be. 

8. Ooooor y'know, bleeding on your sheets because you underestimated the first day of your period.

"Meh, doesn't seem too bad so far, I could probably risk it."


*waking up the next morning*


"OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED? AM I DYING? IS THIS WHAT DYING FEELS LIKE? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THIS MUCH BLOOD COULD FIT IN MY BODY."

9. When you get a "front wedgie".

There's no such thing as a good wedgie, but a front wedgie? I wouldn't wish one of them on my worst enemy. 

10. When there is no more toilet paper in a public bathroom and you have to drip dry.

Time to do what my girl Tay Tay (aka, Taylor Swift) suggests you do in any kind of troubling situation; "Shake it off! Shake it off!"

11. MOTHERFUDGING yeast infections!!!

Do you know what the best thing about yeast infections is? That you can literally get one from taking too long in a bath. No, seriously. I mean what kind of foolishness is that!?

12. Having to sit or squat when you gotta pee instead of just being able to whip that stick out wherever.

Yep, not fair is it? Men can literally get it out and do their business wherever they feel they can get away with it. But women? Obviously, for us, doing something as simple as peeing has to involve a whole song and freakin' dance.  

13. Attempting to sit through a meeting/class/lecture with a sweet, nonchalant smile on your face when in actual fact you’re actually in CRIPPLING pain from period cramps and DYING on the inside. So fun.

"Er, Miss Acid, are you paying attention!?"


"Yep, sure, don't mind me, just pretty sure every single one of my organs are currently liquifying inside of me and trying to make their way slowly out of the bottom half of my body. Oh and are also all of a sudden made out of rusty razor blades. But please, continue."

14. And THEN being called the weaker sex by SOCIETY. HA!

"You throw like a girl!" 

"Stop crying like a girl!"

"What, you need help carrying those boxes like some kind of girl?"

"Stop complaining, you sound like such a girl!"


Okay, Donald, hit me up when YOU push a human being out of YOUR most sensitive, intimate area... y'know, like a GIRL.


15. Experiencing the sheer magic of pregnancy and then realizing you gotta shoot a baby out of your lady hole while your partner just... literally sits back and watches.

Okay so obviously it's amazing that we get to create life inside of our freakin' bodies and all that jazz but, all I'm saying is is that it would be nice for men to have to experience just a little bit of discomfort at some point during the whole pregnancy thing, you know what I mean? I don't really think I'm asking for a lot here. 

16. ...Aaaand then being expected to go back to work 2-3 months after we shoved an ENTIRE HUMAN out of our vajayjay's. But hey, y'know, no big deal or anything. 

Sure because it's not like we're like, y'know, tired or anything. Probably had to have a few things stitched up, stuffed back in, stapled together... not to mention that we haven't slept since the minute we started growing this thing in our wombs or whatever. But yeah, okay, I can come back into work and photocopy some those reports for you chief no PROBLEM.

Ahhh, the joys of being a woman. And look, I know I complain about this stuff a lot, but as the sex who has to go through all this freakin' suffering, I think we've earned the right... right? OF COURSE! And hey, at least we're all in it together ladies. Besides, at the end of the day, I really wouldn't have it any other way... I mean, can you imagine being a MAN? Gross.

But what about you, my lovely ladies of Aunty Acid? How do you feel about the distress we consistently feel thanks to our "Apple From Eve"? Is there anything on this list you related to most? Or even more so, didn't relate to? Let me know in the comments! And as always, don't forget to share this with all the other ladies in your life too! Most importantly, go forth and embrace your womanhood! AAx

ADVERTISEMENT