But when you think about how pretty much the only alternative to having one is, well, being born a male, things don't seem quite as bad. ANYWAY, it's no secret that they can pretty much ruin our lives whenever the heck they want to (an often choose to during the MOST inconvenient moments possible), and I figured - hey, why not write up a list about ALL the ways that makes being a woman the absolute WORST? So I did.
Let me just say this now - I would rather book in a dental appointment and have every single one of my teeth removed without using anesthesia than attend my gynecologist appointments. They are the WORST.
Not only are they uncomfortable as heck, but they're also one of the most embarrassing situations you can ever find yourself in.
"Oh no, by all means, PLEASE roll up those sleeves and get involved in my intimate space, I don't mind, why would I mind?"
And as if they aren't embarrassing enough, it doesn't matter how many times you visit your gynecologist, the second they whip out that incredibly intimidating piece of equipment you cannot stop every inch of your insides recoiling in horror. Not to mention, they 100% keep these things in some sort of medical freezer because they are always cold as HECK.
And of course, what would a trip to the gyno be without the ever-so-dreaded pap smear? Sure, it's only uncomfortable for like, a second... but it's the single LONGEST second of your whole entire life. FACT.
Itching. Itching ALL the time. And the best part? Half the time you have no idea why there is itching. New underwear? Changed your moisturizer? Due a wax? Nobody knows.
And if ain't stickin' to our downstairs hair, it's stickin' to the wrong side of our underwear. Or even better, not stickin' at all, so it's just rolling around down there while you're trying to go about yo' business.
Listen, I ALWAYS wait at least a week to make sure that Aunty Rose has well and truly left the building. We ALL know how devious mother nature can be.
"Meh, doesn't seem too bad so far, I could probably risk it."
*waking up the next morning*
"OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED? AM I DYING? IS THIS WHAT DYING FEELS LIKE? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THIS MUCH BLOOD COULD FIT IN MY BODY."
There's no such thing as a good wedgie, but a front wedgie? I wouldn't wish one of them on my worst enemy.
Time to do what my girl Tay Tay (aka, Taylor Swift) suggests you do in any kind of troubling situation; "Shake it off! Shake it off!"
Do you know what the best thing about yeast infections is? That you can literally get one from taking too long in a bath. No, seriously. I mean what kind of foolishness is that!?
Yep, not fair is it? Men can literally get it out and do their business wherever they feel they can get away with it. But women? Obviously, for us, doing something as simple as peeing has to involve a whole song and freakin' dance.
"Er, Miss Acid, are you paying attention!?"
"Yep, sure, don't mind me, just pretty sure every single one of my organs are currently liquifying inside of me and trying to make their way slowly out of the bottom half of my body. Oh and are also all of a sudden made out of rusty razor blades. But please, continue."
"You throw like a girl!"
"Stop crying like a girl!"
"What, you need help carrying those boxes like some kind of girl?"
"Stop complaining, you sound like such a girl!"
Okay, Donald, hit me up when YOU push a human being out of YOUR most sensitive, intimate area... y'know, like a GIRL.
Okay so obviously it's amazing that we get to create life inside of our freakin' bodies and all that jazz but, all I'm saying is is that it would be nice for men to have to experience just a little bit of discomfort at some point during the whole pregnancy thing, you know what I mean? I don't really think I'm asking for a lot here.
Sure because it's not like we're like, y'know, tired or anything. Probably had to have a few things stitched up, stuffed back in, stapled together... not to mention that we haven't slept since the minute we started growing this thing in our wombs or whatever. But yeah, okay, I can come back into work and photocopy some those reports for you chief no PROBLEM.
Ahhh, the joys of being a woman. And look, I know I complain about this stuff a lot, but as the sex who has to go through all this freakin' suffering, I think we've earned the right... right? OF COURSE! And hey, at least we're all in it together ladies. Besides, at the end of the day, I really wouldn't have it any other way... I mean, can you imagine being a MAN? Gross.