You can’t be your true self with them
If you’re having to suppress or conceal certain parts of yourself from your friends, their influence on you can’t be that good. Genuine friends love you for who you are, all the different elements of you and you shouldn’t have to pretend – you should be true to you.
They are constantly saying negative things
If all you hear from your friends is this is wrong or that is not good enough, it can really bring down the mood. Yes, life can be full of challenges, but not all of it is bad. We all need to let off steam on occasion, but if all your friends bring are negative vibes, maybe that’s an influence you don’t need.
They don’t behave in a way you feel good about
This one is the kind of “bad influence” that your mom or mama figure would have (and might still) warn you against – the kind of unwise or unruly behaviors that could get you into a bad place, or worse, a bad habit or addiction. Smoking, heavy drinking, drugs, vandalism… the list could go on, but you get the idea. Not the kind of positive influence anybody needs.
They’re completely two-faced
It shouldn’t happen – but sadly, it does. You hang out with your pals and everything seems good, but you leave momentarily and when you come back in, they quickly change the topic and it’s pretty darn obvious they were talking about you. If this happens on a regular or even semi-regular basis, they don’t sound like the kind of positive influence friends you need.
They are overly needy and clingy
It happens… you befriend someone and they latch onto you like a lonely limpet, and soon you can’t seem to do anything without them. Perhaps you bonded over a love of Oreo ice cream sandwiches, or a shared interest in Taylor Swift, for example – now they have you on an impossible pedestal. Not the fun, happy friendship you had in mind, and with a slightly unbalanced influence on your social life.
They use you when it suits them
Sadly this is more common that you might think … your mates hit you up when they need something. That new pair of boyfriend jeans, a snazzy clutch, perhaps your covetous high tops that you saved for especially. Whatever it is, they’ll be your best friend until you’ve lent it to them (possibly indefinitely), and then they’ll drop you like a hot potato. Until next time.
They pressurize you into poor decisions
There are times when you seek out advice from your friends when you’re mulling something over, or you want to gather different opinions to help you weigh up a decision. Then there are times, if your friends aren’t a kind, positive influence, that you are pushed and cajoled into a choice that you’re not comfortable with. Those friends are not the sort of influence you need.
You’re coerced into lying
Whether you know their boss or that bachelorette party wasn’t as innocent as originally reported, sometimes, you might obliged to drop the odd lie or two in order to help a friend out. Whatever it is, you don’t feel like you have much choice but for your friend it feels like the only option. It isn’t – you can say no, you can be honest. This kind of influence is not a good one.
They play hard but don’t work hard
Everyone likes to kick back and relax, or live it up with a bit of socializing. However, we all have to work to live, and the majority of our time is likely spent working rather than playing. If your buddies spend rather more time shakin’ their booty instead of earning a dime, then maybe they’re not in the right sphere of influence for you.
Gossip and badmouthing dominate your friendship
There’s nothing wrong with sharing the latest celebrity news between friends – after all, it can be fascinating see what the A-list crowd is up to and what they’re wearing. However, if all you and your friends do is speculate and snipe about people you know, or know of, that’s not healthy or productive. In fact, it can be the opposite – a cynical and unpleasant influence on you and your mindset.
They make you feel insecure
You should be able to walk away from your friends and not be concerned that they’re talking about you in an unkind manner while you’re not there. Real, heartfelt friends will inevitably have conversations that reference you when you’re not present, but without being bitchy or rude. If you are worrying that they’re being spiteful or mean, that’s a really poor influence on your wellbeing.
They only want to do what they want
Good friends understand the concept of compromise. Not so yours? Maybe you need to reevaluate whether they’re really good friends. If you don’t feel like partying every weekend, they should respect that. If you fancy trying out an escape room instead of another evening of beer pong, they should be up for joining you. Friendship goes both ways.
They call when they’re struggling, not when you are
There are times when a friend will call you when they’re on a low point, when the chips are down, and you listen and sympathize and help as best you can. That makes you a good friend – but if they don’t have time or patience to return the kindness, if you need a moan or a rant and they’re not interested, that’s not the sort of reassuring influence you need.
They don’t want you having other friends
How can your buddies be true friends if they’re not open to you having friends in other circles? If you only ever hang out with your old school friends and they kick off when you mention after-work drinks with colleagues, or a pizza with your neighbors, that is not cool. You are free to mix in different circles, and restricting you is a rude and selfish influence.
Your friends resent your personal successes
Sometimes it should be all about you – say you get that promotion you worked so hard for, or you get engaged, or you become an aunt or uncle for the first time. These are all reasons to celebrate you and your success. Amazing friends will cheer for youm but any friends who respond sourly, not at all or who make it about them, probably not the kind of pals anyone wants. You deserve to be celebrated as much as anyone.
They guilt you into staying friends with them
Ouch! So you’ve recognized that your so-called friends are having a detrimental influence on you, perhaps on your mental health, or maybe you just need a break from them so you can see how you feel without them. If they lay on the guilt trip about you stepping back, that should be the proof in the pudding that you’re right to move on from them.
They discredit you in front of others
We can all agree to disagree on things, especially if those topics are difficult ones – political or ethical. However, if you’re discussing something that maybe you’re not especially knowledgeable about, showing you up in front of others in a snide and superior manner is unnecessary and rude. Everyone is learning, and discrediting someone is wholly without merit.
They’re unsympathetic about your problems
Everyone has problems. Some might be entirely mediocre – their preferred coffee cup got a crack in it – whilst others are bigger, like if you write off your brand new car in the rain. Whatever the issue you’ve got, your pals should be there to share the problem with you, not dismiss it like a stone stuck in the heel of their sneaker. If it feels like those are your friends, they’re poor influence friends.
They’re not trustworthy or good at confidences
There comes a time (if there hasn’t already) when you need to share really private things with a close friend or two. The kinds of things that are deeply personal, or the silly little things that are embarrassing as heck but you can laugh about later. Either way, if you can’t trust your buds to keep schtum when you ask them to, that’s a poor effort on their part and a malignant influence on your friendship.
It’s always you getting in the coffee
It’s nice to treat your friends – sometimes they’re going through the mill and they need a boost, perhaps you’re celebrating something, or perhaps you’re just a really nice person. What if they never return the favour though? Do you find that you’re always the one getting the double espressos, and it’s not reciprocated? Maybe time to reconsider your choice of friends.
They’re constantly moaning and pessimistic
If hanging out with your friends is like grabbing coffee with grumpy Eeyore every time, then perhaps it might be time to look at that influence on your own perspective. Yeah, we all get down sometimes, but moaning and griping all the time – as in, constantly – is a real buzzkill. You do not need a little black rain cloud influencing your approach.
It’s all about them – every time
Life is a shared event, right? No-one is an island, as the saying goes. So if one of your friends is always making it about them and solely them, that’s missing the point of friendship as well as life in general. A self-centered friend is a detrimental influence on your own self-worth – speak up or move on.
There’s always melodrama when you see them
We all get those days, where it can feel like everything is against you and you have a compulsion to act out and be melodramatic. OK, once in a while, you can. But if your pals are always making a drama, then that can create a level of tension that will get your stress up. That’s a bad influence on your blood pressure and your mental health – maybe consider if they’re good friends to you.
They pick on you and make you feel small
Banter and jokes are normal in a group of friends, and a bit of harmless teasing can be funny – provided it’s mutual, appropriate and accepted. However, if you’re always singled out, or the so-called jokes are intentionally hurtful, that’s basically bullying. If your buddies are guilty of this, then it is definitely time to find some new friends. Bullying is harmful and can have a hugely negative influence on your wellbeing.
They always monopolize the conversation
Conversations are rarely a 50/50 arrangement – more often than not, it will be weighted towards one person, but it evolves and the other person or people get their chance to speak. That’s a healthy and widely accepted chat. If you have a friend who is constantly talking over you or dominating the chat, then it can influence your self-confidence and make you feel worthless. Speak up!
They judge you
Nowadays, there is less conformity and judgement and it’s more about expressing yourself, without risk of being shamed for your choices. Of course, if your friends are doing just that – judging, it’s not something you should have to tolerate. How you dress, how you vote, how you eat – that should be up to you, not down to the negative influences of your friends.
They’re vain
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the vainest one of all? If that sounds familiar of one or more of your mates, that suggests they’re superficial and shallow, and probably not a sincere friend to you. OK, maybe they have more positive traits and are a good friend. However, making it all about how they look is risky – they should be influencing your growth and development as you do theirs.
They’re uncompromising and inflexible
Good friends will always do their best to accommodate your needs as well as respecting their own. Not so friends who aren’t the positive influence you deserve. Say you need to postpone that movie night – they’d kick up a fuss and insist you find a workaround, because the original timing worked for them. No compromising … not very friendly.
They’re fussy and hard to please
Sometimes it’s hard to get someone a gift you’re sure they’ll like, or to pay them a compliment that will really make them light up. Having said that, most of us are grateful for the effort, even if the outcome or the item aren’t exactly what we’d like. If your buddies are really hard to please and you feel as if all your attempts are falling on deaf (or ungrateful) ears, perhaps that’s an influence on your good nature that isn’t worth having.
They’re resentful and unforgiving
Do your friends find it hard to forgive and forget when you make a mistake? Is it hard for you to move on from an error because they keep bringing it up – or worse, they’ve not spoken to you kindly since whatever it was? A genuine friend will understand that nobody is perfect and that it’s better for everyone to try and move past an oversight.
They like to stir up conflict
This one is really hard to understand if you’re a well-adjusted, decent human being. Why would anyone – and especially people you think of as friends – want to create or exaggerate bad feelings? It’s horrid, but it happens. Some people manipulate the situation to make things worse, presumably for their own benefit. If you have friends that do this, then it’s a damaging influence and you should extract yourself.
They’re unreliable and inconsistent
There are times when you’re unavoidably late, or you can’t fulfil a promise due to unforeseen circumstances. It happens. Yet there are people who are never on time, or say they’ll do something only to make excuses when it doesn’t happen. If your mates are fitting the bill here, that can leave you feeling constantly let down or unsure – not a great influence on your life.
You feel irritated after seeing them
In a world where it seems we’re all striving to be better and do better, tick off that next thing on the bucket list or reach the next rung on the ladder, it’s not easy to just be content. So spending time with mates should be a pleasure. If your friendships aren’t giving you that easy feeling of enjoying their company, are they the happy influence on you that you need from friends?
They are careless about money (especially yours)
Easy come, easy go, as they say about money. We all need it to pay the bills and the rest, but it’s nice to have a little to enjoy. You and your friends no doubt like to go out for a meal or treat yourselves to take-out, but if they’re a bit too free and easy with your hard-earned cash, hold up. If it’s always an extravagant affair or the dollars get frittered away, perhaps consider whether your friends’ spending a negative influence on your bank balance.
They manipulate your emotions to get you to do what they say
It’s not uncommon for some friends to be more outgoing or more dominant than others in a social circle. Not everyone can lead, or wants to. But if you find that your feelings are being played with or manipulated so that certain friends get what they want, that influence is demeaning and cruel. If this sounds like friends of yours, think about whether it’s time to move on.
You don’t feel valued or appreciated in their company
It’s entirely possible to feel lonely in a crowded room, despite how that might sound silly. In the same way, it’s sadly true that you can feel undervalued by your friends – the very people who are meant to have your back and care about you and your wellbeing. So if you don’t feel heard, if you feel like a living ghost in their company, tell them how you feel. Unappreciative friends aren’t a healthy influence on you.
Their apologies feel empty and insincere
Yep, we all get it wrong sometimes – and your friends are no exception. To err is human, to forgive divine (as some wise person once said). However, if your friend’s apology rings hollow and you don’t feel any sincerity in it, they may as well not have bothered. If their sorry sounds vapid, that’s salt in the wound.
You feel nervous or anxious before you see them
It’s totally normal to feel nervous before you meet someone for the first time like your new boss, or your partner’s parents. However, if you consistently get the jitters before you see your friends, something’s not right. You should feel implicitly at ease with them, and if you are nervous ahead of a social occasion with friends, that’s likely a red flag to the relationship you have with them.
Spending time with them leaves you feeling uneasy or conflicted
Friends are there to make you feel happy, and to have fun with. They’re companions with shared interests and a bond built up over time. If you find you say goodbye to them after getting together and that the overwhelming feelings are of being conflicted or of unease, that doesn’t seem like the right vibe for a good friendship. A sense of unease is the opposite of good friendship, and suggests a malign influence on your mental and emotional health.
They try to change you into something you’re not
True friends will love and accept you for who and what you are, and they’ll celebrate you and all your traits. If your friends are trying to influence who you are and change you into someone else, that’s not OK. Helping you to strive towards a better version of you, yes… but a negative influence is not in the spirit of friendship.
