They charm you to begin with
Because they consider themselves to be extraordinary, narcissists have a tendency to veil new parts of their lives in grand fantasies. Because of this, the start of a relationship with a narcissist will be romantic to the max. It can feel good to have someone be forward with us – it’s nice to feel wanted! Be cautious with them though, as it could be on account of narcissism.
They don’t apologise
Someone who knows they are wrong should have the capability to apologise for what they have done. A narcissist, on the other hand, does not have the word ‘sorry’ in their vocabulary. Narcissists struggle to understand that people have views and feelings that don’t align with theirs and therefore don’t see that they’ve truly done anything wrong or affected others negatively.
They just can’t wait
Whether it be a queue for checkout at a shop or being on hold on the phone, a narcissist cannot abide being told they have to wait for anything. Since their universe revolves around them, narcissists cannot understand why they need to let other people go before them for anything, no matter how long others have been waiting.
They hold endless grudges
Some people think holding a grudge against someone who has wronged them for a long time is a sign of confidence. The opposite is true for narcissists, who hold grudges because they cannot handle criticism. Anyone who has said anything that does not align with the narcissist’s version of reality will often have a grudge held against them. This way, the narcissist won’t have to accept that they might be wrong about something.
They start out love-bombing… and then withdraw
Love-bombing refers to people who give excessive amounts of attention, love, gifts etc to someone when they first get to know each other. It is often done by people who are seeking validation, which narcissists do. They then withdraw, which will leave you trying to figure out what you can do to gain back the favour you had from them before. This is a manipulation tactic that some narcissists don’t even realise they’re doing.
They’re only in touch when they need something
The relationships that narcissists form are often exploitative in nature. Because they are at the top of their hierarchy, they often view other people in their life as being there to serve them. If someone in your life only gets in touch when they want something from you and they do this consistently, then you might be dealing with a narcissist.
They’re a perfectionist
Narcissists believe that life should play out exactly as they have pictured, with everyone and everything around them being perfect and up to their standards. This need for perfectionism leads to many narcissists being perpetually unsatisfied with life and their surroundings. If someone has obscenely high standards for things and people around them, it could be due to them dealing with narcissism.
They talk about themselves a lot
Some people just don’t seem to grasp how conversations should work. Conversations usually having a ping-pong effect, with both people talking for approximately equal amounts of time. Narcissists tend to miss this since they’re so focused on themselves. As a result, a narcissist will usually spend the whole time talking about themselves without realising that they haven’t given you a chance to chip in at all.
Their relationships are superficial
A narcissist will not base their relationships with others on what makes those people unique or interesting. Narcissists instead tend to build and keep friendships based on very superficial reasoning. If someone’s friendships never go below surface level and they’re OK with that, then they’re most likely a narcissist.
They need to be in control
There are things in this life that we simply can’t change, but narcissists believe that they should be able to. Because they believe everything revolves around them, narcissists have a need to control everything around them. If someone you know is controlling to the max about every aspect of their life, their narcissism could be the reason why.
They’re not empathetic
Most of us refrain from hurting people’s feelings and feel bad when we see someone sad or in pain due to our natural quality of empathy. Narcissists often lack empathy and sometimes scarcely care about others at all. Acting without empathy and not understanding how someone else could be feeling is a trait most narcissists know well.
They don’t hold long-term friendships
Narcissists often have conflicts in the relationships they hold. This is due to them often being very critical of others and they need constant attention and admiration. People who are self-involved the way narcissists are do not have the skills required to hold down a friendship for a long time.
They don’t take responsibility
We all know those people who will make any excuse to blame someone else for something they’ve done wrong. This can be a sign of narcissism. Someone who is a narcissist will never accept that they have made a mistake, because they think so highly of themselves. This will make them believe they have nothing they need to improve upon.
They put people down
Narcissistic people have large egos and think themselves above others. When their superiority feels threatened, they can often respond by putting other people down. This makes them feel affirmed and puts them back on the pedestal they believe they belong on. Putting people down in order to feel better about themselves is a classic narcissist trait.
They gaslight
Gaslighting is when someone lies about what happened in a way that can make you question reality. It is a way of manipulating others and emotionally abusing them in order for them to see the abuser as an authority on truth. Narcissists will often gaslight others and lie about reality in order to spin the version of reality they want to see. This is especially likely if their position of superiority is threatened, or if they are afraid of you leaving them.
They always put themselves first
Valuing one’s time and energy is great. Considering it to be of more importance than anyone else’s? Less great! If someone you know is always putting themselves before you and others, that’s a trait of a narcissist through and through. Narcissists will always see their lives and resources as mattering more than those of the people around them.
They’re entitled
For narcissists, things tend to be pretty black and white with them always being the right, the light, and the good. They need to be on top to feel safe, so anything else feels wrong to them. This is where a narcissist’s entitlement often comes from. Them being on top is simply correct to them, and so they expect it, feeling entitled to all the best things.
They don’t have boundaries
Many people struggle with maintaining and respecting boundaries, but this is a consistent trait of narcissists. This is because narcissists do not see others as being completely separate to them, as they believe everything belongs – or should belong – to them. This often results in them crossing others’ boundaries and taking advantage of their time and possessions when they can. A narcissist will be insulted and surprised to be met with the word ‘no’, and therefore often won’t respect it.
They can’t handle rejection
Rejection always hurts a little, and we all like to be accepted. However, narcissists tend to take it worse than most people. To them, any kind of rejection feels like a rejection of their entire character. It takes them out of their feeling of superiority and makes their entire worldview feel threatened. Narcissists will therefore often seek revenge of some kind or keep you out of their life so they don’t have to encounter someone who rejected them.
They lack nuance
People who are not narcissists understand that not everything is black and white. Things are nuanced, we have to compromise sometimes, and we can love people with flaws. For narcissists, this kind of thinking just isn’t possible. They tend to split everything in their life up into the categories of good and bad, including their friends’ traits. If parts of a thing are negative to a narcissist, they will often label the whole of it as bad or a failure.
They’re always a hero or victim
Narcissists love to tell stories about themselves, and when those stories relate to other people in any way, they will always present themselves as being one of two things: either the hero of the hour or the victim. When someone is telling you tales of how they helped or protected everyone one minute and the next they’re saying how people are always out to hurt them, pay attention. You’re likely dealing with a narcissist.
They give advice no one asked for
It is generally considered polite to give advice to people who ask for it and otherwise refrain from doing so. Narcissists, however, believe they always know more than other people. In acting like they know more, they are supporting their feelings of superiority, and using it as an opportunity to rise even further above the people around them.
They love keeping people who look up to them around
While some of us keep people around because they’re our friends who we value as people, narcissists will often keep people around because of the way those people look up to them. If someone looks up to a narcissist, the narcissist in question will have their ego boosted, and it will affirm their belief of them being superior to others.
Their reputation is precious to them
Narcissists often care more about what people will think than they do about the actual conflicts they have with people. An example of this is that when a narcissist has a public argument, they’ll worry more about what people will think of them because of the argument than they will about the thing they were arguing about. What people think of a narcissist matters to them because they need to be thought of as superior in the way they believe they are.
They get bored really easily
When most of us have free time after a busy week, relaxing with a film or crafting can help us to replenish our energy. Narcissists get bored with most activities very easily, though. This is because sustaining almost any activity means they’re spending time without being fed compliments and validation.
They’re competitive
Due to a narcissist’s black and white thinking, everything in life also becomes a competition to them. This includes very normal life experiences such as buying a great outfit or getting a new job. To a narcissist, everything is either a win or a loss, so when they see other people succeeding in life or enjoying themselves, it means the other person is winning in that moment – meaning they must be losing.
They make everything about themselves
If you are struggling with something, most people would want to acknowledge what you’re going through and help you out just because you need it. A narcissist will find a way to make your pain or suffering about themselves. If you broke your leg, they might make the situation about how heroic they are for helping you. If you cancelled a plan because you got sick, the narcissist will make it about how awful it is for them that you cancelled on them.
They’re ambitious
Many people have dreams and goals they’d love to achieve in life, but it doesn’t stop there for narcissists. Instead, a narcissist will always see more to aspire to. Nothing is ever enough for them, since they view themselves as above everyone else, so they aspire to be the richest, the most famous, and the most skilled at everything ever. Their need to be admired means there is always more to be had.
They’re cold
Narcissists have difficulty responding to others’ emotions as they find it hard to validate those feelings as real. Sometimes cold due to their lack of understanding and inability to tune into others’ emotions, narcissists will also sometimes act cold towards others as a punishment, since withdrawing their attention is one of the worst things they can think to do.
They look at themselves a lot
Narcissists think highly of themselves in every aspect of their life including their appearance. Many people like to look at themselves when they feel they look particularly good. Narcissists, on the other hand, spend a lot of time analysing themselves, which crosses into analysing themselves physically. It doesn’t hurt that narcissists tend to be more attractive than the average person as well, which only boosts their ego further.
They believe everyone envies them
A narcissist will constantly compare themselves to other people. Because they struggle with understanding that other people perceive the world differently than they do, they believe that everyone else is also constantly comparing themselves to others. Because a narcissist believes they are above everyone else, they will believe that everyone around them is envious of them specifically.
They’re rude to ‘extras’
In a narcissist’s life, there are the people they focus on, whether that means people they adore and want to be in their life to boost their ego, and there are ‘extras’ who are little inconveniences or are inconsequential. These people are seen as being mere extras to a narcissist. If someone does not matter to a narcissist, there is no reason to be nice to them. An example of this would be treating the waiter or shop assistant with disdain.
They don’t do compliments
It can be so lovely to see your friends succeed, and the natural response is to feel happy for them and congratulate them, even if you have a tiny pang of jealousy deep down. A narcissist, though, will not feel good about anyone else’s achievements. They will instead just feel bad about themselves and dislike that someone else has had a success and is the centre of attention, even if it’s just for a moment. A narcissist won’t compliment anyone, and will probably give a backhanded compliment or snide remark instead.
You can’t call them out on anything
Being called out does not feel good. Confronting things we have done wrong is hard and uncomfortable, but we do it because we don’t want to hurt or inconvenience those around us. A narcissist will refuse to face what they have done and will likely go off on you for calling them out at all. They will feel threatened that you dared to question their actions, and they may respond to this with rage and a desire for revenge, even if you didn’t call them out to hurt them.
They try to separate you from others
When it comes to relationships, a narcissist feels that they don’t only have to be better than their partner – they need to be the only person in their life as well. Without this, how will they make sure they’re always the best and most important person in their partner’s life as well as being immune to criticism from their peers? If someone in your life is demonising all your friends, leaving you with no one but them to lean on, this could be narcissistic manipulation.
All their exes are evil and crazy
Dating someone means you liked them at some point. If someone has only terrible things to say about the people they’ve dated in the past, be wary of them. Demonising all their exes, talking about them as two-dimensional people, and taking no responsibility for any negative parts of their previous relationships are all signs of a narcissist.
They avoid questions
Avoiding questions is a key sign of either not knowing the answer, or of lying. This rings true for narcissists, who tend to distort the truth to fit the reality they want to present to the world. A narcissist will want to hide things from you often, to keep themselves in control, naturally. So if this is a behaviour you’re seeing in someone, they could be a narcissist.
They’re always fishing for compliments
Narcissists tend to have a lot of insecurity, stemming from their belief that they are superior to others. (This is because any success by any other person is a threat to their worldview.) A narcissist will occasionally say something to make them seem insecure, by insulting their appearance, style, or talent – something they know they are valued for. This is a way of fishing for compliments from those around them to boost their own ego.
They break rules
There are some rules that are OK to break occasionally, and most people will do so. Narcissists, however, will break rules wherever the rules are even slightly inconvenient for them. This is because they do not think the rules should apply to them, and they enjoy seeing what they’re able to get away with. They see breaking the rules as just another sign that they are better than other people.
They’re always looking for attention
If a narcissist is in the room and isn’t the centre of attention, you’ll know, because they will do everything they can to get the attention back on them. Due to the inflated sense of self-importance that narcissists have, they seek to always be the centre of attention. This is because narcissists only count validation if it comes from other people, as they struggle to form it for themselves.
They don’t celebrate with you
People who are not able to be happy for you are likely too wrapped up in themselves to do so. Being unable to feel pleased for others is extremely prevalent when it comes to narcissism. If you are not close to someone and they’re not happy for you, this isn’t too abnormal. However, if you’re relatively close with a person, this other person should have the ability to be happy for you, even if they are a little jealous.
It’s all for show
A narcissist cares enough about their reputation that they are willing to do things they don’t enjoy if it makes them look good. This could include being involved in friendships and relationships. It’s not the time you spend with them that matters to a narcissist, but how that time looks to everyone else. They are likely to behave in a performative way for the sake of their reputation.
They turn people against you
Gossiping is an unpleasant habit, and it is one narcissists often develop due to their need to be seen as the best and most important person in any room. Narcissists are likely to take this a step further by trying to dissuade others from getting too close with anyone they view as a threat. It doesn’t take a lot to be a threat in a narcissist’s book, you just have to be a little too nice or too cool or too interesting.
They humiliate you or others
Being self-absorbed by their very definition, a narcissist needs to constantly be seen as the best. They will often bring up people’s mistakes or embarrassing moments to make themselves look better and the other person look bad. This will only be amped up further if a narcissist and another person both really want to impress someone else in a given situation.
Their need for validation is constant
Although narcissists thrive on validation and will ask for it a lot, that validation from others doesn’t actually mean all that much. Once they’ve received validation and affirmation from others, that feeling they get from it is gone almost immediately. A narcissist believes their natural place is above others, so they expect this stream of validation to be constant.
They’re possessive
A narcissist believes anything they want should belong to them. That goes for their favourite dress and their best friend or partner equally. A narcissist won’t want you to be as big a fan of that comic book character as they are, and they certainly won’t want anyone to be too close to their partner. After all, they should be the only person in their partner’s life according to them.
Their behaviour is persistent
People will sometimes go through phases of insecurity where they feel the need to seek validation and put themselves above the people around them. That does not necessarily mean they are a narcissist. However, if this behaviour is ongoing for months and you hear stories of the person having acted the same way in the past, it is likely that they actually are a narcissist.
You’re only as good as your service to them
A narcissist is unlikely to care about you as your own person because they are the centre of their own universe. How much they value you will directly depend on how well you serve them, their needs, and their desires. If you help a narcissist build their status, you will mean a lot to them, but if ‘all’ you provide them is an equal exchange of friendship, you probably won’t hold a significant place in their life.
They hold back others’ success
No matter what it takes, a narcissist will do it all to prevent others from either being more successful than them or moving into positions where that person cannot directly support the narcissist. A narcissistic colleague, for example, might ‘accidentally’ let slip a bad story about you to your boss when they discover the boss is considering promoting you.
They’re judgemental
Because narcissists cannot understand perspectives that aren’t their own, they also tend to be extremely judgemental. If you make a choice that they personally wouldn’t, even if it’s as benign as a fashion choice, a narcissist will make you feel bad for this choice. Any choice that is not theirs is immediately a bad one, according to them.
They act differently around different people
A narcissist likely doesn’t have the strongest sense of self because their worth is determined by others’ perceptions of them. Because of this, a narcissist will likely act different around different people. This is usually to get more people to view them favourably and to manipulate those around them.
They’re never there for you
A narcissist might decide they’re willing to put in some time for you if you’re the right kind of person for them, for whatever reason. However, we all go through tough times when we need support from our friends. In those times, the narcissist in your life will not be there for you. They don’t show up for people as their needs are the only ones they think matter.
Everything’s always drama
Being involved in drama is exhausting, but if someone always seems to be surrounded by it, they might actually be a narcissist. If people are constantly butting heads and harking on about personal and/or professional conflicts, it might be because they attract it due to their need for attention. Negative attention is better to them than none so they seek to cause drama.
They peer pressure
A narcissist will always want to be right about things and will want you to agree with them because of that. Whether it’s to agree with them on who the best character is or convincing you to do something you don’t want to do, a narcissist is very likely to peer pressure others into things because of the high esteem they hold themselves in.
They cancel plans
People have to cancel plans occasionally. It happens, and most of us only do it with good reason. Narcissists, however, will cancel plans at the blink of an eye no matter how short notice that might be. They have no regard for other people’s plans or feelings because they don’t consider these things relevant.
All they want from you is what you can give them
When someone is your friend or significant other, they should have things they love about you just because of how special you are to them. Narcissists will not do this because they will consider the best things about you to be the things that serve them. If someone is only with you for access to people, items, or opportunities that you will provide for them, narcissism can have everything to do with that.
They stifle your independence
When you have things you want or need to do, that should not inherently affect the other people in your life. However, a narcissist will take any sign of your own independence as a personal attack. This is because your whole life is not centring around them. This is particularly common if you are in a romantic relationship with this person.
Their attention becomes a reward
Though narcissists will generally come off as exceptionally charming at first, this will often fade. A narcissist will often treat the attention they give you as its own reward. Since they hold themselves as being far superior to you, giving you attention only when you’ve been “good enough” is just one way narcissists will try to control you.
They’re draining
An energy vampire refers to someone who seems to drain the energy and life out of you whenever you’re around them. Spending time with them tends to feel exhausting because they put all the focus on themselves. There is no give and take with these people, there is only take. If this is how they make you feel, it could be a sign of narcissism.
They don’t share
Learning to share is something we do in kindergarten, but some people just never seem to learn. People who cannot learn to share things or take turns properly are often narcissists because they cannot understand anyone else’s need or desire for something they also need or desire. Many narcissists never learn to share.
They cheat on you
Narcissists often cheat on their partners because they seek validation and power through sexual encounters. One study even found that cheating is directly correlated with sexual narcissism. Researchers tracked 123 married couples for two years and found that the partners who did the most cheating also displayed the highest levels of sexual narcissism.
They manipulate you to get their way
Narcissism exists on a spectrum. Some people who are very narcissistic may be extremely outgoing and charming, while others may appear shy and withdrawn. However, both types of narcissists tend to exploit others by manipulating their emotions. Extroverted narcissists will charm and flatter people in order to get what they want, while introverted narcissists will draw out others’ natural empathy and pity, exploiting that emotion to gain validation.
They use inappropriate language
If you find yourself dealing with a narcissist, you might notice that they swear more than other people. They might use profanity and sexually explicit language when arguing with you, or even when having entirely mundane conversations. This is because their lower inhibitions mean that they care less about social norms, and so aren’t concerned that using taboo language will lead to unpleasant consequences.
They always want to argue
Some narcissists are incapable of accepting that they are ever wrong. As your relationship with a narcissist progresses, they may stop saying what they think you want to hear and begin pushing back and arguing more frequently. Arguments with a narcissist are difficult to bring to a close as they often care greatly about having the last word and being seen to be right, objective and logical.
They’re always in and out of relationships
Narcissistic relationships follow a predictable pattern, according to research by psychologist W. Keith Campbell. In the first four months, people in relationships with narcissists report high levels of satisfaction, as their partners are attentive and charismatic. However, after this milestone is reached the argumentative tendencies, need for control and heightened likelihood of infidelity all spell doom for the relationship.
They’re vain
Narcissists pay a lot of attention to their physical appearance, often choosing to wear expensive, flattering clothes under the expectation that other people will be looking at them. Not only do they do what they can to ensure they are good-looking, but they also tend to choose attractive partners, as they see dating another beautiful person to reflect positively on themselves.
They don’t listen
When you’re talking to a narcissist, you might notice that they seem to be listening to you. They nod, say “uh-huh” and “yeah,” and act like they’re paying attention. However, when you look closely, you might see that their eyes are glazed over. This is because they aren’t really listening to you; they’re thinking about what they’re going to say next so that they can retain control of the conversation.
They’re impatient
Narcissists may have trouble dealing with phone calls and voicemails from other people because they expect everyone to respond immediately to their needs. They may get frustrated if someone doesn’t respond right away, as they have trouble comprehending that others have priorities, needs and events going on that mean they are shuffled down the priority order.
They’re a sore loser
When it comes to competitive sports, narcissists are unable to accept defeat. If they lose, they might find it difficult to reconcile the result with their own high opinion of themself, and so are likely to blame someone else for their loss. Even if you win, they are more likely to say you didn’t deserve it, rather than earnestly congratulate you on your hard work and worthwhile result.
They collect status symbols
A narcissist will often turn even an everyday occurrence into something laudable, by making it seem like something extra-special that not just anyone can achieve. For example, buying a new car is a pretty banal milestone, but a narcissist might talk about how expensive and exclusive their chosen vehicle is, and how few friends they have that could theoretically afford such a luxury item.
