You lash out at your friends in relationships
Maybe your friend just got into a relationship, or maybe they’ve been with their partner for years. Either way, you can’t seem to stop yourself from being extra cold and snippy when they bring up their partner in any capacity. It’s not because you don’t support your friends’ relationships, but because you still cannot reconcile your breakup in your mind.
You think of them when big things happen
When you’re in a relationship, your other half is the person you tend to share everything with. Whenever anything happened, they would be the first to know. This can be one of the biggest things to have to unlearn after a breakup. When anything of note happens in your life, who is it you want to tell? Your friends or family? Or is it still your ex? That is a sure-fire sign you still have work to do when it comes to getting over them.
You compare everyone to them
So maybe you’re back on the dating scene. Maybe you’ve downloaded some of the apps and have started actively going on dates or pursuing new relationships. As hard as you might be trying to form new connections, you just can’t seem to help but compare them all to that one ex. Something about them is sticking in your head. If you claim to be over them but catch yourself doing this, you might have to admit to yourself that you’re not.
Your friends are sick of hearing about it
Presuming your friends are good friends, they will have taken good care of you and given you a shoulder to cry on when you and your ex broke up. However, as far as they’re concerned, this whole things has gone on long enough. If they’re that sick of hearing about your ex, you keep bringing them up more than you realise, and even your friends know you’re not over them.
You’re stalking their socials
Some relationships don’t end on terrible terms which means you may not have blocked each other by the end of it. If you’re no longer in a relationship but you still find yourself wanting to check their social media accounts day after day, then you’re probably a little more obsessed with them than you’d care to admit.
You bring them up on dates
Not only is your ex on your mind a lot, but you’re talking about them a lot too. You’re not just talking about them to your friends either, oh no. You have found yourself talking about your ex on dates with new people. If you cannot keep your ex out of your mouth for the duration of a date with another person, that’s definitely a sign you aren’t over them yet.
You cry when you drink
Ever since the breakup, nights out with friends haven’t been the same. You’ve been drinking the same amount you did before, but now those drinks come with tears and lots of them. If this drunken behaviour continues, you should know it’s indicative of a broken heart you’ve not recovered from yet.
You’re keeping mementos
When you break up, there are several things you can do with the gifts you got each other, and they make varying levels of sense depending on the kinds of gifts. For the romantic gifts that have no value but sentimental… why are you still holding onto those? If the only reason you have one of these gifts is because it was romantic, then you are not over your ex enough to not need their romantic gestures anymore.
You’re not attracted to anyone else
Many people, particularly in the honeymoon phase, find themselves only attracted to their partner. If you have broken up and just can’t seem to find yourself attracted to any person the way you were to your ex, you aren’t over them yet. You clearly are not ready to find a new person or dedicate your attention to them in a way a partner would deserve.
Everything reminds you of them
Everything you see does not have some greater significance. Just because you ate ice cream together with your ex one time does not mean seeing an ice cream truck should remind you of them. If every innocuous thing in your life is making you think about them, you still have a ways to go in getting over them.
You’re still crying about the breakup
It’s normal to cry after a breakup and for a wee while afterwards. A romantic relationship ending is a big deal! However, if you’re still crying about the breakup months later, that’s a relationship you’re not over. Once things are finished between the two of you and you’ve passed what you considered your mourning period, that should be that. If it’s not, you might not be moving on as well as you should.
You’re moving slow in your new relationship
Maybe you’ve gotten to the point of starting a new relationship. While you might think that’s a sure sign that you’re over your ex, it isn’t always. If you’re deliberately moving extra slow in your new relationship, maybe because something doesn’t feel quite right or because you’re hoping your ex might come back to you, then you’re not over your ex yet.
Acting like you’re over it feels like work
Of course you’re over it. You say so to your friends and family when they ask. You’re making an effort to put yourself out there. That said, it feels like a lot of work to act like that. If it takes you effort to act like you’re over your past relationship, you’re probably faking it. That is a clear indicator that you’re not actually over it at all.
You drunk text them
Everyone makes a big joke about texting a former partner after having too many to drink. They say drunk actions are sober thoughts and it means you’re not over your ex at all. In this case, the people who say such things are actually right. If all you want to do when drunk is talk to your ex, you’re not past wanting them back yet.
You find ways to be in touch with them
This might sound a little creepy and that’s because it is! When you’re not over an ex, you might try and come up with excuses to see them or talk to them. You might watch one of their favourite shows just to reply to their Instagram stories about it or hanging out in places you know they frequent. It’s a little bit stalker-ish and definitely a sign you’re not over them.
You keep thinking you see them
When you’re getting over someone after they’ve only just stopped having a significant role in your life, things can get weird. You might be looking for their face all around you to no avail – or you might be thinking you see them everywhere. Every head of short brown hair is suddenly theirs. Every green jumper makes you think you see them. This shows that you definitely haven’t got them out of your system.
You reimagine how things could have gone
It might be thinking back to the big breakup chat and thinking what you could have said differently to make them stay. It might be thinking about how you could have looked or acted differently to make them like you more overall. If you keep reimagining the past to see what you could have done to make the relationship go better, you’re not over it.
You get sappy over “your song”
It’s not uncommon to have a song that you and your partner consider a special song for the pair of you. Once you’ve broken up, that song can still raise a lot of emotions while you’re in the process of getting over that person. If you cannot hear that one song without still being full of emotions about your past relationship, you’re probably not over them yet.
You’re avoiding self-reflection
Although you might be alright pretending that you’re okay to the people around you, there’s someone it’s really hard to pretend to – and that’s yourself. That is why you avoid self-reflection at all costs. Somewhere deep down you know you’re not doing so well and you just cannot bring yourself to acknowledge it. If that describes you, your feelings for your ex aren’t gone quite yet.
Romantic movies are hard to watch
This counts doubly if romantic movies used to be some of your favourites to watch, but if you’re struggling to watch them now, it could be a sign of something deeper. Romantic movies are supposed to feel good, so if all they’re doing is pulling up feelings about your ex, you’re probably not over that ex just yet.
You’re convinced you’ll find your way back
Others call it wishful thinking; you call it fate. Deep down you are convinced that you and your ex are made for each other. Of course you think you’re over them (for now) because you’re meant to be together and will find your way back to one another when it’s time. It is important to realise that this might not be true and definitely does not mean you’re over them. But you probably know that.
You’d leave whoever you’re dating now for them
Of course you would never say this to the person you’re currently dating or even to your friends maybe, but if you’re really honest with yourself, there is nobody you would rather be with than your ex. If you really reflect and think you’d leave whoever you’re with now for your ex, you’re not over them.
Seeing them makes you want them
If you’re over your ex partner, then seeing them could still be a pretty weird experience. After all, you had a deep connection that is no longer there. Seeing them should not reignite your old feelings for them, though. If you’re feeling the warm and fuzzies just from seeing your ex, your journey to get over them might be longer than you initially thought.
You’re angry when your friends have new relationships
Of course you try not to show this. You love your friends, obviously, but you can’t help being a little upset when your friends have blossoming romances. Think about why that might be. If you were not still a little bitter or hurt about your breakup from that one ex, you would be happy for your friend instead.
You find reasons to be in their spaces
You dated them, so of course you know your ex’s favourite hangout spots, where they work, where they get their coffee, all that jazz. If you’re hung up on them, you will find reasons to be in those places. You do probably give other excuses for it though. Maybe that they just have good music or their coffee tastes better. Definitely nothing to do with your ex…
You keep updated on their life
If anything changes about your ex’s life, you feel a desperate need to know. Has their style changed? Did they get a new job? You want to be clued in. That is why you ask about them, talk about them, stalk their socials. If you need to know what your ex is up to all the time, you’re not over them yet.
Hearing they’re dating hurts
It’s not that you want to be with you ex. at least that’s what you tell yourself, and it’s not that they shouldn’t be able to date. All that being said, hearing your ex-partner is getting out there and dating again might be hurting you. If it’s more than a slight discomfort, it shows that you have some unresolved feelings on that front.
You hope they’ll respond to your posts
When you post online, you cannot stop thinking about them so you end up posting one of your inside jokes with the desperate hope that they will realise it and reach out to you. Making posts for the sake of your ex seeing them is a clear indicator that they are still occupying far too much of your brain space.
You still act like their partner
Sometimes a person will break up with you and make it clear that they do not plan on getting back together with you. In spite of this, they will keep sleeping with you and asking you for favours. If you are still doing all these relationship type things without them having to commit, you aren’t over them. If you were, you’d never accept that kind of treatment!
They’re in your dreams
I hear you. Dreams aren’t your conscious mind. They don’t actually mean anything! While they’re not your conscious mind though, they are your subconscious one. You ex is still in your head somehow if they’re appearing in your dreams. Something in your mind doesn’t want to give them up quite yet.
You’re protective of them
So you’re not even together anymore, but for some reason you still feel the need to protect your ex. It’s normal to not wish pain on others as a general rule, but getting protective over someone you’re broken up with is unnecessary and a little odd. Make sure you’re not crossing boundaries by doing this and think about why you still care so much.
Your choices are based on their interests
You care a lot about what they think even though you’ve broken up. In fact you care so much that their interests and values influence what you do frequently even though you may not share those interests. If you still care that much about what they think of your choices, you are far from getting over that ex of yours!
You reminisce a lot
Although you may claim to be over your ex, you spend an awful lot of time thinking about the shared past you had together. You might say it’s that you just miss being in a relationship, but if you were really over your ex, these thoughts would be less frequent. Reminiscing is normal only if you’ve accepted you’re not over it yet.
You try to make them jealous
If your ex did you dirty, it makes sense that you enjoy making them see you thriving without them. However, trying to make them jealous by creating a fake new partner or manufacturing Instagram posts where you only look like you’re having fun when you weren’t is a different matter. In such a case, everything you’re doing is focused around them rather than yourself which shows you still have a lot of unresolved feelings.
You try to get friends to spy for you
You know that stalking your ex sounds like something only a total creep would do, so you wanted to avoid that. You also wanted to act like you didn’t care, all while hinting to your friends that they should find out what your ex is up to. Why would you feel the need for your friends to spy on your ex for you if you were over them?
You post negatively about them online
Subtweeting is one level, but openly going online and saying negative things about someone is quite another. If you have been posting things online about how awful your ex is, especially if it is in a public way, then you are still hung up on them in some way, even if you truly do dislike them.
You’re doing things you did together
Whether it’s restaurants you went to or places you took walks or a particular activity you tried together, you’re doing it all again now. You’re revisiting those experiences saying you’re “reclaiming” them but all your focus is going into reliving these experiences when you could be focusing on building new ones unrelated to your ex instead.
You’re isolating yourself
Since the breakup it just feels like you don’t want to be around people at all. Instead you are shutting yourself in your room and letting yourself mourn. Endlessly. After losing a very close romantic relationship, it may feel like no one else can compare so seeing anyone, including just just friends, doesn’t appeal to you. If you’re still avoiding people, it might be because you’re still hung up on your ex.
You hold onto the gifts you bought for the next special occasion
It is possible that when you and your partner broke up, there was a birthday or Christmas or even Valentine’s day coming up that you had already bought them a gift for. If you are still holding onto that gift, planning to give it to them in spite of the breakup, you’ve got some thinking to do. Now that you’re not dating, the only reason to still give them that thoughtful gift is if you’re not over them.
You’re collecting things that remind you of them
As significant a role as your ex may have had in your life, there is no reason to put so much effort into keeping them in your mind. If your ex had an interest that wasn’t yours and you now collect memorabilia of that thing, that isn’t a coincidence. That’s a sign you miss having them in your life and are desperate to feel more connected to them.
You insist on staying friends with them
Staying friends with your ex is not always a bad thing. However, if you’re the one insisting the two of you still socialise, this may be a warning sign. If your ex is not intent on staying your friend so you’re doing all the leg work, then it’s probably for the best to drift apart. You shouldn’t want to stay friends with them just because that’s all you can get from them at the moment.
You start drama
If you were truly over your ex, there is no way you’d be trying to start drama over a breakup that has been over for some time. Whether this looks like you asking mutual friends to pick sides or accusing them of toxic behaviour that you’ve exaggerated to fit your narrative, this is a clear indicator that you’re not over what happened yet.
You defend them
After a breakup, you may still deeply love your former partner and getting over them can be a long process. If your friends are pointing out ways your ex was not the good partner they should have been and you find yourself defending them, that could be because you’re still too in love with them to see their flaws.
You take your new boo on old dates
This can come from trying to see how good your new partner is comparison to your ex. You might suggest a date that you’ve done with your ex to see if your new partner makes the day just as special for you as your ex did. This will never work because the date is just a rehash. It is not spontaneous and you are not experiencing it for the first time so it’ll never match up. If you’re doing this, you may be subconsciously looking for things to prefer about your ex.
You won’t commit to new people
If you are at a point where you’ve find yourself with a new person in a situation-ship, think about how you are treating and labelling that relationship. If it has been months and you are the one refusing to put a label on what the two of you are, it is likely because you’re still hung up on your ex. You clearly didn’t have a problem calling your ex your partner, after all!
You won’t take all pictures down
When you were with your ex, it’s fairly likely that you posted some pictures together on social media. It is of course normal to remove these images from socials when you break up with someone, since old romantic posts do indicate that you may still be in a relationship. Refusing to do so shows that you’re not ready to let go of them for some reason or another.
You won’t set boundaries with them
When you break up with someone, it is important to figure out what cannot stay the same post-breakup. This may not be explicit verbal decisions, but drawing boundaries of what would be too much contact with an ex is still important. If you refuse to do this so that you can stay in touch as much as possible, then you have some work to do to get over them.
Your type has changed
…to only include your ex of course! Lots of people have a type and if your type isn’t doing it for you anymore since the breakup, it could be because of your ex. If the only people you find yourself attracted to remind you of your ex and those you used to find sexy don’t hit the spot, it should be crystal clear that you’re not over them.
You claim to need closure
Getting closure over why a relationship ended can help you make up your mind about a person and can make you feel more at peace about no longer being together. Unfortunately, sometimes you just don’t get closure and have to figure out how to move on for yourself. If you feel or are completely incapable of doing this it’s likely because you still care too deeply for your ex and the relationship you had together.
You’re subtweeting
You’re not with them anymore but you keep posting tweets and Instagram stories that heavily imply something to do with them. Maybe these posts are insulting, or maybe they’re inside jokes. Either way, you post them hoping that certain someone will see them. If you care enough about them to be posting in that way, you clearly have some work to do when it comes to getting over them.
You try to fix the reasons you broke up
Relationships fall apart numerous reasons, and it is healthy to reflect on your part in the breakup. While it’s good to learn from your mistakes and try to do better in the future, if you’re desperately trying to fix the things about yourself that contributed to the breakup, it’s probably because, on some level, you’re trying to convince your ex to get back with you.
You moved on too fast
Meeting new people and exploring new relationships is an important part of moving on from a painful breakup. That said, jumping straight into a new relationship is almost never a good idea, as there’s a strong chance you’re just trying to bury the pain under the excitement of something new. It’s also not fair on your new partner.
You’re turning to alcohol or drugs
Researchers have found that people going through heartbreak are in real, genuine pain. While this eventually subsides, it can take a long time to pass, making it tempting to self-medicate. Unfortunately, the only way to process heartbreak is to face it, and numbing the pain with alcohol or drugs will only make it worse in the long run.
You think they’ve got better looking
We always want what we can’t have. This can lead to us putting whatever it is we can’t have – in this case an ex – on a pedestal. As well as conveniently forgetting about all the ways your ex drove you crazy while you were together, if you’re having a hard time getting over them you might start to genuinely think they’ve got better looking.
Every time you see them it’s back to square one
You might genuinely think you’re over your ex. You’ve stopped thinking about them all the time, you don’t whine to your friends anymore and you’re even started tentatively going on dates. Then you bump into them, your heart implodes and you’re right back to square one. Safe to say, you’re not as over it as you thought.
You’re talking to their friends
Forming connections with your partner’s friends is an important part of any relationship, and it’s completely normal to miss them after a breakup. At the same time, if you can’t stop talking to your ex’s friends, it’s probably because you’re either trying to subtly remain in their life or because you’re fishing for news about them. Neither is healthy.
You daydream about them
Daydreaming is, for the most part, a completely harmless habit that allows you to take a short break from reality. That said, if you keep daydreaming about your ex – whether reminiscing about the good times you’ve had or fantasising about getting back together – it definitely means you aren’t over them.
You’re looking for rebounds
Getting a few rebounds under your belt after a breakup is a great way of giving your self-esteem a much needed boosting and reminding yourself that there’s plenty of other fish in the sea. However, if you’re desperately seeking one night stands, it could be because you’re trying to block out the fact that you’re still reeling over the loss of your relationship.
All the people you’re interested in remind you of your ex
Getting back into the dating game can be daunting after the loss of a serious relationship, and it’s important to make sure you’re ready before jumping in. If you’re only interested in going out with people who remind you of your ex, it means you’re still not over them and you’ve got some more healing to do before embarking on a new relationship.
You re-read your conversations
Compulsively rereading your old text conversations with your ex is a surefire sign that they’re still taking up a lot of your headspace. You might tell yourself that you’re trying to understand where things started going wrong, or that you’re simply reliving some happier times. In reality, this obsessive behaviour is only likely to make you more miserable.
They seem flawless to you
When you first fall for someone, you can’t help seeing them as perfect; all of their flaws become the charming little quirks that make them special to you. The same thing can happen after a breakup if you’re not over your ex. All of the things that infuriated you while you were together – and possibly even contributed to the breakup – go back to being adorable.
You constantly have to stop yourself from texting them
You know you can’t keep contacting your ex, but every time something reminds you of them your phone is in your hand and you’re about to start typing. Then you remember, and your heart breaks all over again. If this sounds like you, try writing your ex’s number down on paper in case you ever need it, and then delete them from your phone.
You think of them as soon as you wake up
If the first thing you think about when you open your eyes in the morning is your ex – especially if it’s accompanied by a familiar twinge of pain – you’re clearly not over them. As you start to heal, the time it takes before you think about your ex will keep increasing, until one day you’ll suddenly realise you haven’t thought about them at all.
You try to keep traditions going with your new partner
One of the best parts of being in a long term relationship is building up traditions that have special meaning to you and your partner, and losing them is one of most painful parts of a breakup. If you find yourself trying to keep these traditions alive with a new partner, it means you still haven’t come to terms with the loss of your ex.
You feel angry all the time
Once you move out of the denial stage of the grieving process, you’ll likely find yourself dealing with some potent rage. If you’re finding yourself reacting with surprising intensity to minor annoyances, it’s worth stopping and considering whether your simmering anger is actually related to your breakup.
Your jealousy is unbearable
Seeing your ex moving on is never going to be pleasant, even if the breakup was mutual. This is why it’s almost always a good idea to unfollow them on social media. However, if even the mere thought of your ex with someone new fills you with the kind of jealousy that makes you sick to the stomach, you’re definitely still pining for them.
You blame them for everything
When you break up with a long term partner, you go through the same stages of grief as after a bereavement. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. If you find yourself furiously blaming your ex for the relationship ending, there’s a good chance you’re still stuck at anger, meaning you have a long way to go before you’re over them.
You’re always trying to help them
It’s possible to stay in an ex’s life, but maintaining boundaries is tricky and it’s easy to slip into unhealthy behaviours. If you keep finding ways to help your ex out – whether it’s by putting in a good word to help their career, or offering to build their new shelving unit – it might be because you’re trying to convince them they still need you.
You want to sabotage their new relationship
It’s natural to feel a twinge of jealousy when you discover that your ex is in a new relationship. If, however, you can’t help plotting to break them up, it’s likely because you still want your ex for yourself. Even merely fantasising about ways to sabotage their relationship is a bad sign that needs to be heeded.
You haven’t told people about the breakup
If you just can’t bring yourself to tell people that you and your ex have broken up – or worse, if you’re actively pretending you’re still together – it could be because you’re still clinging on to the hope that you’ll be back together soon. Unfortunately, this kind of denial only lengthens the healing process. It’ll also be pretty embarrassing if people find out.
