The 20 Thoughts Every Woman Has When Buying A New Bra

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1. "IMMA GROWN ASS WOMAN. DON'T BLUSH"

HURRAH FOR BRAS! The beloved booby baskets some women enjoy strapping themselves into every day, so it's important to tuck the twins into the perfect pair of titty traps! But finding the best bra isn't always easy and these are the 20 thoughts every woman who has ever bought a bra can relate to! 

Oh, yes. It doesn't matter what age you are and it doesn't matter where you're getting your over the shoulder boulder holders from, you're going to feel at least a tiny bit awkward walking into the section with bra's slung from every single possible crevice. 

2. "Is this feminist?"

Why am I doing this to myself? I've got better and bigger things to do than this? What am I really wearing this thing for? Is this really, truly for me or just another patriarchal-, oh god is that a co-worker? HIDE.

3. "If my ex suddenly showed up right now what would I say?"

Oh hiiiiiii, Gary! What's new with you?! Who are you here with? Nobody? What? Why? Why are you here then, Gary? Gary, get help. 

4. "A SALE?!"

Ooooh! There's nothing better for your rack than something off the sale rack! Except all these bras are patterned like your grandmother's wallpaper... not exactly what you were after...

5. "Bra size is just a number... but what the heck is my number?!"

You think you know what size your boobs are? HA! You absolutely DO NOT and you will discover that since you last went bra shopping the store will have completely switched around its measurements. Good luck trying to unriddle how you fit both a 32A and a 42E!

6. "Time to get measured and feel completely not awkward"

"Hello, strange woman! Here is my semi-naked torso! Measure me up!"

7. "Is she judging the sweat stains/hairy pits/broken underwire?"

Please, woman who I have ever met before but who is currently holding a measuring tape around my breasts, please don't judge me.

The back fat, the jiggling and general plumpness of certain areas can seem a bit awkward but try not to worry, you're lovely just as you are! Plus, these ladies have seen so many boobs they couldn't be less bothered by what yours look like!

8. "Now I know my size! AND THEY DON'T STOCK IT?!"

Big boob girls of the world unite! Why do they never stock our sizes?! We need just as much (if not more!) support!

9. "Found my size! And it's ALL beige..."

The itty bitty titty brigade don't know how good they've got it! Swanning about in frilly, flowery bits of nothing whilst I'm out here requiring mechanical engineering to hoist my girls to a decent level! 

10. "Function over form??"

Every shopping trip is likely to be overshadowed by the invasive thought, "would my mother approve of this??"

That encourages you to go one of two ways, buying the blandest, smoothest, saddest excuse of a bra ever or opting for the see-through, lacy, red and gold bit of string you dreamed of owning in high school.

11. "F**k it! Bells and whistles galore!"

Comfort be damned! This one shoots fireworks from the nipples! This one has an inbuilt wine pouch with straw! This one heaps 'em up to under my chin! Let's bask in the glory of sexy bras! 

12. "Okay, now I'm exhausted."

Trying on bras is an Olympic freakin' sport! You will never be hydrated again! Stop. Have some snacks. Meditate. You've gotta find one to buy soon before you become too exhausted to function. 

13. "Comfy but ugly."

Oh my, your boobs have never felt so fondly cradled! They're floating on cloud nine! Like two frothy blancmanges! 

14. "DAYLIGHT ROBBERY."

Yes. You WILL need a second mortgage to afford this bra. Yes. You WILL also need to sell your organs on the dark web to get the matching panties. 

15. "I should put back the matching panties."

Yes. Put them back. They're flowery and lacy and pretty and they make your butt look AMAZING. But put them back. Shatter your dreams. It doesn't matter...

16. "F**k it I'm getting the panties!"

GET THOSE PANTIES, GAL. TREAT YO' SELF.

17. "So this is how it feels to fall in love with an inanimate object, I guess?"

You've found the one. It really doesn't matter that you've spent hours sweating in a poorly lit changing room, your boobs have never felt so grateful for a tender, supportive clasp. 

18. "JUST TAKE MY MONEY."

Quickly, before buyers regret sets in! Buy the bra and panties! Escape from the shop into the cold reality of the world! 

19. "Home at last and lookin' freakin' fine as hell!"

What a difference being home makes! The lighting doesn't make you look like a sagging bag of iced buns! You look sexy and cute and can't wait to unveil the complete look to your partner.

20. "Together forever"

So, your new favorite bra is embracing you just as she should and you won't be taking her off ever again! You'll wear this thing an indecent amount of time before popping it into the wash. You'll sweat in it, you'll have sexy times in it, you'll hoover, party and maybe even sleep in it because you love it so much... and not realize it's completely exhausted until five years have passed... whoops...


Are you a bra shopping fan?! What other thoughts would you add to this list?! Be sure to let me know in the comments and tag all your bra-wearing pals! AAx

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