Re-do old dates
If you want a quick and easy way to get back that spark, go on a date you’ve been on before that you both remember loving. (This could be from early in your relationship, in particular when you were still actively dating one another.) This can lead to you both reminiscing and capturing something that was so special in your relationship before. A re-do of a date is also a chance to do it even better now that you know each other through and through.
Know your partner’s love language
People like to receive love in different ways. This is known as a love language. If you and your partner have not discussed this before, you could sit down and chat about what makes each of you feel most loved and valued. Knowing your partner’s love language makes it significantly easier to do things for them that they will actually appreciate, instead of blindly guessing and leaving you both feeling unappreciated.
If you have been together for a long time, it is normal to share almost everything with each other. If you have workplace gossip or friend drama you haven’t shared with your significant other, sitting down together for a little gossip can help rekindle your spark. Sharing secrets builds trust, and bonding in this way will put you both back on the same team.
Try bungee jumping, visit a haunted house, or go white water rafting! Doing something that gives you an adrenaline rush will make you feel close to one another emotionally. This is because your body understands you are going through an intense experience together. Going through intense or difficult things reignites a spark, and even more so if that experience is a fun one that has you laughing or clinging to each other throughout.
Physical intimacy waning is a good sign that you have lost track of your spark. Making an effort to get physically intimate can help you to get back in touch with one another. This does not have to mean you should jump straight into forcing that saucy time to happen. Instead, you can give each other massages or even just cuddle under a blanket with fewer clothes while you watch a film. Skin-on-skin contact is important for babies, but we sometimes forget about it as adults!
Make every time a reunion
If you live together, coming home to each other is just a part of the routine. This means you might not acknowledge your partner every time you see them again. Making sure you do connect with your partner every time you see one another again can help reignite your spark. Checking in every day can make your partner feel more appreciated and will also make you both feel like you make a difference in each other’s lives.
Kissing is such a simple act that it’s an easy one to forget about when you’ve been dating for a while. If it’s something you and your partner liked and did a lot at the start of your relationship, making an effort to start kissing again can help. It is an opportunity to get very close together and engage in physical contact that takes little time and does not need to be sexual in nature.
Put a pause on ‘having relations’ for a while
Sometimes the pressure of having sex can make you both feel less inclined towards it. Taking the act off the table can relieve pressure and expectation on both ends. It can make you both feel more relaxed in your activities and other efforts to rekindle the flame. Saying that sex is not allowed for a stretch of time can also make the concept sound that much more appealing, and have you both wanting to touch each other again.
Schedule a date night
It can be hard to make time for each other when life is busy and any free time feels like time you need to relax. That said, as unromantic as some think a scheduled date night sounds, having it booked in means nothing else will get in the way of your intimate time. Scheduling in a regular date night gives you both a chance to connect, try new things together, and prioritise romance on a regular basis.
Make your gratitude verbal
It’s all well and good to say you appreciate your partner when they aren’t there, but your partner needs to hear it too to really believe it. If you tell your partner you are grateful for them and what they do for you, and make an effort just to say ‘thank you’, your partner will respond in kind. People want to know that what they do for their partner makes a difference, and if they don’t get that positive feedback, they will often stop making that active effort.
Find your shared goals
Long-term relationships work best when you have similar goals. This could mean building a family, living somewhere specific, or having a certain lifestyle. If your spark has fizzled out, one way to invigorate your love life again is to have a chat about those shared life goals. Maybe they’ve changed, or maybe they’re still what they were at the start of your relationship. Either way, this can put the excitement about that goal and the fact it is shared back into your relationship.
Have some screen-free time
Meals, dates, and conversations are all great opportunities to connect with your other half. Don’t ruin this chance of connection by picking up your phones or having the TV running. Unplugged time together allows you to connect and remember what you love about each other. It is so easy to get caught up in our constant streams of media, but it can really detract from out relationships with others.
Go on a holiday or stay-cation
If you can, get time off work on the same days and either get out of town, or create the illusion of a holiday around your own home and city. It is so easy to get out of touch with your relationship when you’re both working full-time jobs, especially if you have different schedules. Sometimes all it takes is to have a few days to actually spend time enjoying each other’s company.
Try something new in the bedroom
Many couples will discuss naughty things they want to try and then just never get around to it. If you are having trouble getting the spark back in your relationship, this could be the perfect time to try out that new thing. This could include a new toy, position, or kink that interests the pair of you. This can feel like finding a new, exciting way to love one another, which in some cases will set your relationship ablaze once more – in the best way of course.
Try something new out in the world
If you’ve made the decision to try out new things in a relationship, the adventure should not just be relegated to the bedroom. Trying a new cuisine or activity like a dance class or pottery painting can be just as successful in rekindling the flame of your romance. Doing and learning new things together is always a bonding experience and has been shown to make couples feel closer emotionally.
Work on yourself
Sometimes you are what’s getting in your own way, in which case blaming your relationship problems on the other person can be extremely unfair. Working on your flaws and making time for the things you value outside of your relationship can actually improve your relationship too. This can be because you are being kinder, more understanding, or more assertive. It can also be because you are feeling more fulfilled and are not relying on your partner to be the only thing fulfilling you.
Take the time to sit and talk about the early parts of your relationship. Ask each other questions. Think back to when you first met them and how they made you feel. Taking the time to think back to previous phases in your relationship is perfect for reminding the two of you why you fell in love in the first place, and what first ignited the spark between you.
Surprise each other
If your spark has fizzled, it probably means things have gotten monotonous between you and your other half. Planning surprise dates, gifts, or meals is a wonderful way to reignite the passion between the two of you. It is hard not to feel loved when someone goes out of their way to surprise you with something they know you will love.
Give each other some space
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and there’s a little bit of truth to that. If you know you still love your partner but that spark isn’t there, both of you going off to do your own things for a while can be a great reminder of the person who’s at home waiting for you. Doing this through a little holiday away is perfect, since you can enjoy your time away but still have time to miss your other half.
Hold hands more
Holding hands might seem like the sort of thing that only young couples new into a relationship do. It doesn’t have to be, though. Holding hands is a simple and romantic form of physical contact that you can make part of your everyday. Walking down the street? Hold hands. Sitting on the sofa? Hold hands. Physical contact can make you both feel closer, and it adds something romantic to your day.
Talk it out
Have that fight. Cry about what’s bothering you. Release all those emotions that each of you has been bottling up for a long time. Knowing what is on your partner’s mind and what is bothering each of you will help your communication. An emotional release of this kind can also result in an emotional surge towards each other in terms of romance and desire.
Try to impress them
We all try to impress the person we’re dating when first entering a relationship. It is natural for this to fade later on as your partner gets to know you through and through, but it shouldn’t be all the time. Putting effort into your appearance or your relationship in an attempt to impress your partner will have them remembering how thoughtful and attractive you are. This alone can reignite your new relationship energy.
Plan a dream holiday
If you don’t have the finances for your dream holiday right now, that’s OK. It’s the planning that matters. Sit down together and figure out all the details. Where would you go? Where would you stay? What activities would the holiday involve? Having this shared dream for the two of you could be the first step in actually making it happen, too.
Ban stress-talk in the bedroom
Since intimacy is a standard part of a lot of relationships, it can seem natural to bring up other parts of your life around that allotted time. However, things like housework and work are stressful, and talking about them is often just stress-inducing. Stress is an absolute killer for desire and will make both of you a lot less likely to want the intimacy you’ve planned.
Ask each other questions
Asking questions about your partner should not be reserved for the first few dates you go on. Try and continue to learn more about each other when the spark seems gone to help regain it. Playing little question games such as would you rather or similar things can have you learning more about each other and your priorities. This builds curiosity about one another that can carry over into other aspects of your relationship.
Just chill out
Trying to force a spark between the two of you is unhelpful. Instead of trying to over-plan everything, consider just having a lazy weekend at home. Lie on the sofa, get a bunch of snacks, watch a comfort show you bonded over years ago. Having this time to relax in each other’s presence can have you both reconnecting and remembering that you enjoy being together.
Work on communication
Not talking about your problems is not going to solve them. If you think the spark has faded, the other person probably feels it too. So talk about it. Talk about how you aren’t feeling connected, about what you used to have that seems to have faded, and what this means for the pair of you. This is not only important for this situation, but good communication builds a stronger relationship, generally speaking.
Figure out what you want from your relationship
Relationships often fizzle out when it isn’t going anywhere and you don’t have a shared vision. If you know where you want the relationship to go, then you can figure out how to make it work with your partner from there. Being directionless will not help reignite the passion between you. Once you know that you have a shared image for what you want in life, having that in common will only bring you closer.
Check in with them
Reminding your partner that you’re there for them is a wonderful way of reconnecting. Whether they’re at work or just in the next room, shooting them a message or going to say hi can go a long way. Remind them you love them, let them know you’re there if they need anything, or tell them you’re excited to see them again. Having reminders that they’re valued will make them feel more positive about your relationship.
Focus on what you have in common
If you’re in a long term relationship with someone, you got together for a reason. Strong relationships are often built on having at least a few things in common. Trace back to what those things are, and spend some time focusing on that thing. This could just be a book you both love, or an interest such as hiking or dogs. Find a way to engage with a shared interest, so you can see each other lighting up about something you both care deeply about.
Try something each of you wants to do
Does your partner know a lot about birds? Go birdwatching with them! Have them teach you a thing or two about it and really try your best to engage with the activity. Seeing your partner in their element can be the perfect way to want to be around them more. People tend to be attractive when they are seen as competent, so doing something your partner is knowledgeable about might make them more desirable and will also give them a confidence boost.
Do relationship maintenance
Everything takes upkeep to be good, even romance. While it may not seem romantic, doing relationship check-ins is really important for your partnership to flourish. This is a little bit like an interview where you both check in and see if there is anything specific bothering either of you. You can also include what has made you feel loved and what would make you feel more loved going forwards. Having this knowledge makes it easier to love each other the way that feels best, which in turn can reignite the relationship.
This will not be the first port of call for most people, but couples therapy has been shown to be effective when couples are having serious issues or cannot seem to make things work. Having a third-party outsider who is not invested in the relationship and who has professional knowledge and experience can provide additional insight into your relationship. This can help you both get to the root of the issue between you two which can make rekindling your flame easier.
Look up first-date ideas
First dates are usually designed with creating chemistry in mind. The point of a first date is to build chemistry, to get each other talking, and probably to let loose a bit as well. These are not just things that are good on a first date though, but they’re also very helpful further on in a relationship when you’re looking to make things exciting again.
Cook for each other
They say that the way to a person’s heart is through their stomach, but the food we eat actually says so much about us. Though you might know a lot about one another, cooking either together or for one another is a great way to bond. Pick something that relates to your culture, comfort, or history and tell your partner about it when you serve it up. Food also means a chance to up the romance with conversation and candles, so take advantage of that.
Rethink your mindset
Yes, the honeymoon phase inevitably ends. That transition means the new and shiny has faded from the relationship, but it doesn’t have to mean the shine is all gone. You can still find what is special about have a long-term relationship if you just think a little differently. Being with your partner for a long time means you feel safer and more comfortable together which is a positive thing!
Acknowledge the ups and downs
No relationship is all perfect all the time, that’s just not how things work. Some periods will be great and others will be low points. It’s okay to be going through a rough patch, but acknowledging that it’s a low point will cause less pain than trying to force every day to be perfect. Accept things as they are for a while before trying to make any major changes.
Change it up
Make every day, or at least every date different by making sure to vary your choices. Try to add some variety by doing a different new thing every time. Writing a list of things to try can be a great way of doing this. This could be trying different cuisines or different activities. Either way, trying new things will always give you more things to talk about which is sometimes all you need to get that spark back.
Understand arousal styles
What you might not know is that people have different styles of arousal which can be either spontaneous or responsive desire. Most people also have things that make them more or less likely to be aroused. Do some research into arousal and together with your partner you can figure out what will make that arousal more achievable for each of you.
When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, forgetting to flirt is pretty easy, unfortunately. Making an effort to act like you’re still trying to win your partner over. After all, just because you have them doesn’t mean you can’t lose them. If you’re not sure how to go about this, it can be helpful to add a little roleplay by pretending you’re strangers having a first encounter to make things extra exciting.
It is important not to let your partner forget how wonderful they are. In fact, not complimenting one another can be a key factor in your relationship fading the way it has. Tell your partner at least one thing you like about them or that they have done well each day. This will make them feel valued and special, and will make them feel warmer towards you too.
Uninterrupted time together
When you do schedule dates and time together, make sure that there won’t be other things getting in the way. Whether this be work related things popping up on your phone or children wanting to come and bother you, create an environment where these things cannot bother you. Get a babysitter, get out of the house, and turn your phones off so you can dedicate your time and attention to each other fully.
Use a shared journal
Some things are hard to say to each other’s face, and it can never feel like the right time to bring up certain emotional issues. Having a notebook where you both feel free to journal can help immensely with this. With this tool, you can write freely about your emotions and anything you wouldn’t mind your partner knowing. You can respond to each other as well, having whole discussions over non-digital text.
Have a private book club
Literature can bring people together. If you’re having relationship struggles, you might even consider reading a book about relationships and how to deal with the struggles you’re experiencing. Consider starting a tiny private book club with your partner where you read a book, potentially about relationships, together and discuss it afterwards. Having this shared experience can bring you together.
Talk about the deep things
Connecting emotionally is important, but it is crucial to focus on things that aren’t just your connection but also are not the superficial things about the world. You are romantically involved, but you should also be friends. You should encourage each other to talk about your views on life, the universe, and morality. Talking about deep topics like this means that you will inevitably challenge each other’s views which makes you find each other intellectually attractive as well as physically and emotionally. Just remember to be respectful!