Address it head-on
In cases of cheating, it can be tempting to sweep things under the carpet and let emotions simmer unresolved for a long time, in order to move on as quickly as possible. While it gives things a veneer of functionality short term, this strategy is guaranteed to hurt the health of your relationship long term, making it better to have a frank and painful discussion upfront.
Set clear boundaries
If you decide to remain in the relationship, it’s crucial to set boundaries for conduct going forward. In order to avoid ambiguity, misunderstandings and even further mistakes, it’s worth sitting down with your partner and discussing your comfort level around things like them attending parties alone, following exes on social media, and maintaining friendships that cause you concern.
Prioritise active listening
Although you don’t have to accept any excuses from your partner as to why they were dishonest, it’s still important to hear them out if you want to make the relationship work long-term. Understanding what motivated their actions and how they feel about them retrospectively will help you figure out how to nurture honesty and transparency going forward, as shame will only lead to more secrecy.
Know when to involve professionals
Not every case of dishonesty requires a relationship therapist, and even the best therapist in the world won’t be able to bring some relationships back from the brink after cheating. With that said, it’s worth asking whether involving a professional would be helpful, whether they help you build a path forward or just act as an impartial mediator when getting out ugly emotions and blame.
Schedule regular check-ins
While it can be tempting to try and work through pain and distrust spontaneously when those emotions bubble to the surface, this will only yield unproductive and circular arguments. Instead, try scheduling regular check-ins where you can be honest about what you’re thinking and feeling in a less heightened and highly-strung environment.
Foster accountability
Just because you agree to move forward with a relationship after dishonesty occurs, doesn’t mean that all the resentment and guilt will automatically evaporate. Setting goals oriented around behaviour change that your partner needs to meet will both assuage your nerves and allow them to deal with any guilt in a healthy way, provided the goals are productive, achievable and not motivated by spite.
Look towards the future
No relationship can survive if it’s comprised primarily of longingly looking backwards into a dishonesty-free past, or constantly relitigating the same issues. If you want your relationship to thrive again, then you should also talk about your future goals and ambitions, both individually and as a partnership, and in the relationship as well as out of it. This will bring you closer together.
Work towards forgiveness
Healing cannot be rushed, and forgiveness after dishonestly is unlikely to happen overnight. With that said, if you really want to leave the offending events behind and move past them as a couple, then it’s a crucial step. For things to work, it’s necessary both for the cheated-on party to forgive their partner, and for the partner to forgive themselves, which is arguably harder.
Practise keeping promises
Obviously, agreeing not to cheat is a central promise in most relationships, and one that many people think should be easy to keep. However, in a relationship where trust has been eroded due to dishonesty, you can reinstall confidence in the partnership by showing up for each other in smaller ways and keeping fewer high-stakes promises and agreements.
Don’t use dishonesty as ammunition
When someone has betrayed your trust by being dishonest, it can be difficult to resist the temptation to bring it up in fights for months or even years to come. With that said, this understandable but ultimately vindictive impulse can wreck both party’s ability to move forward, and thus destroy the relationship even when healing is within reach.
